Lust must be in the air. Just as the season is waning into winter, the temperature has dropped and colorful leaves have sprinkled the ground. It is now the time to publicly display our lustful natures. Or is it?
As far as The American Standard is concerned, it is not. Not by any means. Gross public displays of affection (PDA) should be strictly prohibited.
In fact, those who participate in them must have a hormonal imbalance. It’s this sudden, uncontrollable urge to have to suck your boy/girlfriend’s face off when you haven’t seen them in the past 2.5 nanoseconds.
One of the top 10 most annoying things in the world is to walk upon a case of PDA. As of late, I have been plagued by this annoyance. It seems just in the past few weeks I can’t escape the overwhelming number of couples who can’t resist PDA.
It started on one brisk day as I was walking from the Culp Center to work. I decided that I would cross Borchuck Plaza, you know, the place in front of Sherrod Library. As I was enjoying this moment of the afternoon, I was stung by the PDA bug.
I saw a couple sitting entwined like poison ivy to a tree, swapping spit while they were groping each other.
Not a sight I wanted to retain as I was on my way. It wasn’t like the couple was being romantic either. Romance is something you share with that person alone, not with the entire city of Johnson City and all of Tennessee.
The next disgusting moment took place in the same area. Lust must have a powerful force in the plaza. In fact, I think we should change the name from Fred Borchuck Plaza to Get Lucky Plaza. It seems everyone can get some there.
My story continues with the couple walking, only it was just one pair of legs. Her legs were wrapped around him, with her arms and hands clutching his neck and again, tongues trying to tie themselves in knots.
Another form of PDA comes from the nightlife area, mostly clubs like Rafters, the Planet (God save our souls) or just at some formal party. It doesn’t matter, as long as there is music, dancing and members of the opposite sex.
What bothers me is why it is all that important to suck face while dancing. I can’t dance let alone kiss while dancing. My focus is to not step on her toes.
Another thing that bothers me is women allowing men to put their hands in places that should only be touched when in private.
I can hear the comments now. “Why don’t you just turn you eyes away? What are you doing looking at it? It’s our right we can do what we want.” Blah blah blah, yakity smackity.
I’ll give you that. But what I want you to think about is how stupid it is. I don’t want to see you, and others don’t want to see it either. Plus, that was stuff you were supposed to do in high school to let everyone know that you were boyfriend and girlfriend. Now it’s different.
Move away from those horny impulses and be romantic. PDA just shows the world that you can’t wait to see each other because all you want is a sloppy kiss, a grab of the rear, to cop a feel.
But that’s not saying that you can’t hold hands. Nor is it saying that you can’t warmly embrace each other. Furthermore, it’s not saying you can’t dance cheek to cheek, just don’t suck each other’s cheeks. I will even go as far as saying that it’s OK to kiss. A peck on the cheek or mouth is fine just as long as you’re not sucking tongues.
Just remember to be respectful to yourselves. If you want to get horny and sloppy – and I hate to have to use this clich – get a room!
Another wise adage and I’ll depart from this week’s column.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. So if you can refrain from PDA, then perhaps those intimate moments will be all the better.