Women, listen up, if you haven’t already been introduced to the world of the men’s restroom, let me give you a little peek. Men, if you have been questioning your restroom-induced emotions and/or your security in your manhood, listen up.
Ours is not simply a carefree utopia of seats left up and glistening, unflushed urinals, not in the least. The world that exists inside of the men’s restroom can very simply be seen as a microcosm of our society.
The first and foremost of unwritten laws of the men’s restroom is proper urinal etiquette. Throughout the human species there is no difference more extreme or more important between the sexes than the males’ ability to utilize a mini-toilet on a wall.
It is no knock on women that they have only one mode of using a toilet. It does, however, provide quite a testimony to men’s inherent versatility. That versatility comes with a heavy price, however.
Urinal usage is not simply a trifling method of relieving oneself, it is an emotional connection with Mother Earth.
Standing in the open, with only a cold piece of porcelain separating one’s privates from those of the man next to you awakens latent primal instincts of territoriality.
Gentleman, you know exactly what I am talking about. When you are using a urinal, and someone else assumes the position at the urinal to the right of you, an internal distress signal goes off.
It is not a homophobic fear I am talking about. It is a perceived invasion of one’s territory. As male animals mark their territory, so do men mark their urinals, not only claiming the urinal itself but the surrounding five feet or so on each side of the said christened receptacle.
Therefore it is easy to see that nearly every bathroom has surely been designed by a female architect. I say this because as it is, most urinals are so close together the shoulders of each user nearly touch, a situation that is completely unacceptable to any red-blooded American male.
Another, and possibly more important, aspect of urinal etiquette is the no-looking, no-talking policy.
As bad as it is to have to stand next to another urinal user, it is a far, far worse thing to have that person attempt to make small talk, or – horror of horrors – actually look at you.
There is something sacred about each and every urinal experience and it should be treated as such.
A recent commercial on ESPN (a known haven for all things male) illustrates this situation in terms of two pee-trough users at a college football game.
The commercial’s message is this: When using a trough (which is worse than a urinal when you consider splash radius and the angle of the dangle theory), you must not speak and you must stare straight ahead at all times.
This is sound advice, trough/urinal users, as there is no more uncomfortable a situation than trying to talk about topics ranging from the weather to the stock market when you should be concentrating on emptying the old bladder.
Surely all male readers out there know whereof I speak. If you have never taken notice, try a simple test. Take your place at your urinal of choice and stay there until another man enters the restroom. If he is going to do No. 1 he will proceed toward a urinal but he will most certainly choose the one farthest away from you.
This is why you will never see just two urinals. There is always either one (as is the case in most gas stations and greasy-spoon type restaurants) or three or more.
Other things one should remember in terms of men’s restroom etiquette are: no shaking hands until they have been properly washed and dried, no communications between stalls other than asking for toilet paper or occasional words of encouragement (such as: “Hammer down boy, it can’t last all day,” or “Whewie! You sure can get right in a hurry.”) and no excessive primping or posing in front of the mirror.
Now, I know you liberated individuals out there (anybody named Troy or Pat, this means you) are asking: “Well what can we do in the men’s restroom and still be perceived as manly men?”
Well, you can grunt, groan, release gas at an ungodly decibel level and, when in the company of friends, make manly comments such as “Boy, the water at the bottom of this toilet sure is cold.”
So, as you can see, the experience in a man’s restroom is much more serious and reserved than the experience in a women’s restroom could ever be.
So men, next time your wife or girlfriend says you don’t take anything seriously, just take her to the bathroom with you.

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