Earth has a newfound sister, or brother, or whatever gender planets are.
Even though I am unsure as to the gender of this new planet, I am nearly 99.9 percent sure of the nationality of this planet.
Located near Pluto, the farthest planet from the sun and previously the smallest in our solar system, this new planet introduces a whole new dynamic to the question of whether there is life on other heavenly bodies.
Plutino is the name of this new planet which is only 350 miles across, or roughly the distance between Boston, Mass. and Buffalo, N.Y.
Therefore, it is not only conceivable but highly rational (in the rational world of my brother, myself, Ralph Nader and Tom Green) to assume that Plutino is, in fact, the planet of Latinos.
Take the Plu, which is Greek for small, hard, icy planet, and tino, which is either any of a race of brown, quick-speaking individuals or the first baseman for the New York Yankees and you have all the reasoning you need.
This gives a whole new meaning to the term illegal alien.
Let’s just suppose for a minute that I am not a complete idiot (a stretch, I know), and also let us suppose that this small, newfound planet is the home and place of origin of all Latino people on earth.
Why should I believe for a second that Enrique Iglesias and Ricky Martin are from another planet, you ask?
Well, for starters, those ungodly gyrations that accompany their upbeat musical rhythms are simply not humanly possible. I’ll even bet that if they were dissected, Enrique and Ricky would be found to possess no less than 46 extra bones in their hips and pelvises.
Also, the languages of Latino peoples are unlike any other found on earth.
Speaking at a speed nearly equivalent to that of Chuck Yeager’s plane, these dialects more closely resemble binary code.
You can imagine Pedro Xyzplytkhgmp, from the planet Plutino of course, communicating with his neighbor, Julio Gnhxxblckln.
Pedro (greeting): 101010001010, Julio, 1000101000001110010.
Julio (reply): 100000101100101010110, 0000001111101000, Pedro.
This is far too complex for the barbaric minds of other people, so Latino-speaking people humor us by having the earthly version of Spanish that can be learned by any human who has the Spanish network on cable television.
The leader on this newly-discovered planet can be none other than Chico Escuela. He is almost certainly, as you read this, preparing his fleet of intergalactic Ford Pinto warships, Chevrolet El Camino Destroyers and Chrysler Vega Bombers to attack the Earth and gain his revenge for those cruel Saturday Night Live skits from the 1970s and `80s which featured a Latin ballplayer named Chico Escuela.
You know the skit, “Baseball has been very, very good to me.”
For years, the Plutinos have been subtly poisoning Caucasians everywhere with a form of chemical warfare known as tequila.
That’s right, tequila. Not only is this deathly liquid the chemical equivalent of kerosene but it contains that mysterious little worm.
Now where else have you seen a beverage that contains a dead insect? Hint: in science-fiction movies.
Anyway, if you need more proof, just play “Livin’ La Vida Loca” backwards and listen to it say, “Eat the worm, stupid earthlings, you will soon be working in the jalapeno mines of Plutino, ha, ha, ha.”

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