The United States is such a large and diverse nation that there is no doubt one can find endless amounts and varieties of culinary delights from sea to shining sea.
Many states and regions are synonymous with the foods they produce, such as New England clam chowder; Texas barbecue, Louisiana shrimp, Maine lobster, Idaho potatoes, Tennessee whiskey (OK, it’s not a food, but it is our claim to fame) and Wisconsin cheese.
The newest addition to this list is Florida chad. This delicacy has only recently been discovered during the recent presidential election dispute in Florida.
It seems some intrepid Democrats discovered that ballot-chads can be mighty tasty.
Until recently, most of us have thought the word Chad meant either a man’s first name or a nation on the continent of Africa – but no more.
For the past few weeks, we have heard endless tales of recounting paper ballots with dimpled chads, hanging chads, pregnant chads, enlarged chads, Ernest Borgnine look-a-like chads, flying chads, poisonous chads and decorative Christmas chads.
We thought, “Oh, they are just talking about those little bits of paper that didn’t get completely punched out of the ballots in Florida (obviously the most backward of places in the world seeing as how even Haiti and Siberia have electronic voting machines).”
Now, though, we know the best thing that will come out of this entire mess is a recipe for deep-fried chads.
How was it discovered that chads were not only edible, but delicious, you ask? According to Chip Saltsman, chairman of the Tennessee Republican Party, there were some mighty hungry Democratic recounters.
Here is a quote from a press release issued from Saltsman’s office on Nov. 21: “As for the deliberate fraud (by Democratic recounters, Al Gore supporters and some green guy who lives on a mountain overlooking Whoville) Saltsman says that some counters have even been eating chads.”
I have to disagree with the GOP on this one.
I believe it was not deliberate fraud, but the inherent nature of these Democrats to eat whatever is available when they get hungry.
Having not grown up in the lap of luxury like most Republicans, a democrat will eat almost anything. They will forage for wild berries, nuts, fruits, leftover tuna sandwiches and yes, even chads.
They must be applauded, not chastised, for their broad palettes.
One day, thanks to the oh-so-great state of Florida (where senior citizens can play shuffleboard or keep 10 bingo cards going at a time but can’t figure out how to punch a ballot), the entire world will be feasting on roast chads, broiled chads, chads soufflet, chad omelets and lemon-grilled chads.
An entire chain of chad-serving fast food restaurants will dot the landscape of Florida within the next year. Think of it – just as you can’t swing a dead cat in Gatlinburg without hitting a pancake house, so too will you not be able to take the family to see Mickey Mouse or Fidel Castro without seeing 175 Governor Jeb’s House of Chad along the way.
There has been talk of someone releasing a book soon about the 2000 election. This is a waste of time. The real money will be made by whomever publishes the cookbook 1,001 Ways to Serve Chad – with a forward by Florida Secretary of State Katherine (Bush) Harris describing her creamy chad and mascara pate’.
All of this talk has made me hungry. Will somebody pass the dimpled chads in apricot sauce?
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