I have been trying a new approach to stress.
Nope, it’s not yoga. My idea is to just ignore everything bad that happens in my life. It really seems to work well. I deny the existence of bad things, and therefore they don’t exist.
Well, actually, I don’t really deny it, I just refuse to accept and/or think about it.
For example: yes, I realize that my girlfriend and I broke up, but it doesn’t hurt so much as long as I don’t think about it.
My parents are divorcing, and I am fine as long as I pretend that everything is all right.
Now you are probably sitting there and wondering, “How does he not think about it?”
Well, my answer is quite simple: ninjas. Yep, ninjas.
When I lie awake and my stomach starts to hurt because I am thinking about a problem, I just imagine being a ninja and fighting bad guys. For some reason, transmitting my mind into Jackie Chan’s body temporarily relieves my ulcer-induced hell.
I’m sure all of you bright folks out there caught my mistake and are now saying to yourselves, “Why does he have an ulcer-induced hell?” Well, you caught me! It’s because my mystical incarnation of Jackie Chan doesn’t work.
I can see through my own ill-begotten logic and understand that if I stand in front of someone and cover my eyes, they are still there. Yet, I am like a child fascinated with peek-a-boo. Everyone and everything disappears once those eyelids shut.
This is how my ingenious scheme works . (eyes closed) “I don’t have to finish my column.” (eyes open back up) “I do have to finish my column.”
See? It is all very simple. You will move well down the road to denial, like me, if you ignore responsibility, tune out logic and disregard meaningful thought.
Who really needs those qualities anyway? I mean, jeez, we’ve got a president who lacks all three.
Think about it. The Supreme Court stepped in to give a mentally retarded man, John Paul Penry, a stay of execution, after his plea fell on deaf (or dumb?) ears. Oh wait, that’s ethical and moral reasoning. Never mind.
Gosh, now I have gotten so far off the topic. OK, just to head off the inevitable letters to the editor, everyone who wants to yell at me can do so every Tuesday at the on-campus bowling alley (hold your breath until you find it).
Anyway, back to the ninjas. Oh well, just forget the ninjas. I would much prefer to give some statistics created by your friend and mine, George W.
In 1998, in the great state of Texas, under the awe-inspiring and skillful hands of George W., the number of children who died from abuse or neglect increased 70 percent. This dramatic rise in deaths is attributed mainly to understaffed and underpaid Child Protection Services.
It is sort of funny that, with a budget surplus, Bush decided to give $40 million in tax relief to oil companies, because of course we need oil for fuel.
Hey, guess what, George! You need to realize that there is not going to be anyone around to use your precious fuel if you are allowing our children to die off in record numbers.
I am sure that many of you are spitting fire at me right now, but I want to warn you not to spit fire at people in Texas. If you do, there is a good chance they won’t be able to get treated for it, because Texas is pulling a very strong second in the number of people without health insurance.
My ulcer-induced hell is gaining momentum again.
So, if you are stressing out, remember to think about ninjas, but don’t think about Bush, because he is not only a pain in the stomach, he’s a pain in the butt, too.

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