A couple of weeks ago, Larry King wrote his final column for USA Today. His weekly King’s Things writings took the column to a new level of … well, I’m not sure what, but hey, it seems like something to which I ought to pay tribute.
So, I’ve put together a few of my own thoughts in Larry King’s familiar “three-dot” format. It might not work for me, but if there’s one thing Larry has taught the world, it’s if you don’t like something (i.e. a marriage), you can always scrap it and try again. And again …
If someone loses their nose in an accident, should you send flowers? …
People who insist they like “all kinds” of music should be forced to listen to “all kinds” of music at once. …
Texas is microcosm of America. The way the rest of the Western world looks at this entire country, we look at Texas – a rustic, sports-obsessed, bloodthirsty, yee-haw, close-minded, anti-choice, pro-gun, vigilante geographic monstrosity. …
The first time you ever heard the word “killjoy,” didn’t you perceive a connotation that was a bit more macabre than what it really means? I did. I thought, “Wow, someone who actually derives joy from killing. Someone had better call the police.” I grew up, of course, to find out the police were the killjoys themselves …
We say, “everything is the same.” Why can’t we say, “everything’s the different?”…
There ought to be a place called the International Smegma Depository…
Why does no one ever protest to start something? All the time you see some guy with a sign that says, “stop this” or “stop that.” You’d figure after all this time, there would have been one person holding up a poster with the word “start” on it …
On TV shows, no one does a “number” any more. …
The invisible man now has an image consultant …
The cows have come home. Now stop it! …
Did you have a good day? That seems to me to be a difficult question.
Most people say “fine,” of course, even when they feel like crap, but when my mother asks, I’d feel bad if I lied her.
Nonetheless, whoever is asking that, you only have a second or so to evaluate the merits of that particular day. You wouldn’t want to create some awkward pause for the sake of truthful expression, would you?
No, society has never liked that.
So, you have to decide in this miniscule amount of time not only what sort of day you’ve been having, but also the specific criteria unique to that day on which you are going to base your decision. Is it the total number of fine versus crappy occurrences? Is it the total amounts of time spent in a state of “fine-ness” or “crappy-ness?” How does the degree of “fine-ness” and “crappy-ness” of a particular happiness figure into this?
These are the sorts of questions I’ve been asking myself. Needless to say, I have a lot of crappy days …
One of the sponsors of the new Headline News is Dramamine. I’m not kidding …
Why do we have two expressions like “gun-shy” and “trigger-happy?” Why not “trigger-shy” and “trigger happy” or “gun-shy” and “gun-happy” instead? …
I don’t think anybody could ever be described as a cross between James Van Der Beek and Gandhi. Somehow, I just don’t think that will happen …
There’s actually one guy in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, who knows where all the flowers have gone …
Just once, I’d like to hear one person, nowadays, who can list a bunch of things that cost money without trying to imitate those smug credit card commercials and end it with the word “priceless.

Author