Beer.
It’ll stick by you when no one else will.
Benjamin Franklin once said, “Beer is proof that God loves man.”
Hemingway was fond of his clean, well-lit places as well.
It is a great thing, the bar, the man and the problems that are assuaged upon that bar stool.
This new column will deal with those places, a celebration of sorts for the seedy bar, the waterin’ holes.
I will be doing reviews simply of places that sell beer.
The seedier, the better.
Now this won’t be your momma’s review.
I’m not going to be rating the quality of key lime pie or gripe about the absence of doilies on the table.
I’m gonna tell you what you want to hear about a bar and what you need to know.
VITOS
It is a strange looking place sitting at 715 W. Walnut St.
For some reason or another, the restaurant/bar is shaped like a pigmy mini-dome.
I have no idea why anyone would wish to copy such an ugly feat of architecture such as our football stadium, but let’s get to what matters.
Inside, it is a smoky, smoky, smoky place.
Beer taps flow from bars at both the first and second levels. Food is served from 3 p.m. to 2:30 a.m., and the pizza is not too shabby.
A little greasy, but I gotta feeling if you are slugging pitchers of frothy ale till the wee hours of the morn, a few extra calories ain’t gonna kill ya.
Drink specials are offered Monday through Thursday, and Thursday is Ladies night. On the weekends live music can usually be heard.
Surprisingly, the selection of beer available is fairly diverse from Newcastle to Southpaw.
There is the late night fate maker machine that is also called Jagermeister on tap, sitting and smiling coyly waiting for the someone to get that noble idea that his or her group of friends needs a round.
The music is not bad, not great, but every once in a while you can hear some good stuff.
Who hangs out at Vito’s?
It sometimes can be a motley crew of nose rings, cowboy hats, Doc Martins and NASCAR shirts.
Around 1:30-2 a.m. it always seems to fill up with the leftovers of the other bars, making an even more diverse crowd.
I can remember nights of going there and bringing home. Sometimes going in and picking up some cute 20-year-old is about as easy as picking up a 50-cent bag of that dirty candy, like circus peanuts or candy corn from the BP.
It may not be someone you want to take home and meet mom, but who looks for wives at last call?
You want dirty candy, yeah baby, dirty candy!
Nowadays there doesn’t seem to be the plethora of lubricious ladies that there once was, but that can change on any given night.
Overall Vito’s is a pretty decent late night hangout.
Its a no frills kinda place, and Vito’s is definitely the only place that will let you hangout till 3 every single night to get some late night grub and suds.
The mix of every social group does cause a fight or two, some of them pretty bad, but if you just go there to drink and get laid you might have a pretty good time.
Atmosphere: C-
Cleanliness: C-
Music: C
Food: B-
Probability of seeing a fight: A-
Beer Selection: B-
Chance of getting laid: A+
Hangover Tip #1 – After a night in Vito’s, your buzz might be a bit more hung than usual.
That’s probably because of the wings, cheap pitchers and late night shots but it might stem from the overly smoky bar.
The smoke in your bronchioles is causing less and less oxygen to get where it needs to fix your headache and that altered blood flow up there in the Circle of Willis.
Upon rising and feeling not-so chipper with a bit of a congested chest, sit up straight and place your hands on yourknees.
Take a deep breath in and hold it for as long as you can.
When you can’t hold it any longer, it causes a forceful exhale which dispels those leftover feel-bads in your lungs as well as an deep inhalation, bringing a good swing of oxygen rich air into your circulation system.
Your red blood cells will sing like boy bands in heat.
Repeat this process 5-10 times, discontinue if the breath holding is making you want to vomit.
Continue after the nausea is gone.

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