Thanks to the overwhelming positive response (read: fan letters containing mere common-cold germs as opposed to anthrax) I received from my last column, a series of short takes dedicated to Larry King, I have decided to extend the format another week.
Well, actually, the return of the three dots probably has more to do with the fact that no one will allow you to take on anything of substance these days, unless you first swathe yourself in the American flag chanting “red, white and blue means no room for you, (insert ethnic slur here).”
Once you declare your support for a drawn-out military campaign, however, you can pretty much say anything. So, recently, we’ve been getting a lot of sentences like: “America is in a time of healing and is set to put things right, so do your part by overspending for a new SUV.”
Yes, if you thought you’d never see the time when patriotism was defined as an already over-burdened middle-class laborer overextending his budget so the rich funnel that money directly to their pockets, well, the gag’s on you. No one ever said there weren’t opportunists in this country.
Speaking of jokes, there aren’t many lately, aside from a lot of really insensitive turban-based shots. It’s as if the heightened airport security has pushed a little of the old security out into the rest of the world.
Since we seem to be in the mood for putting up documents such as the Ten Commandments in public buildings lately, why not put up those “No joking, no kidding” signs you always see right in front of the terminals? Then, at least, we could be up front about our repression in this society.
If were really serious about getting behind our president, why can’t a few of us get on with our lives, as he told us to do, and maybe be allowed to tell a pertinent, well-thought-out, well-structured joke once in a while? And yes, I know. You’re asking yourself why I haven’t come up with any such jokes in my career yet. Personally, I blame that on Nixon, but, hey, I could be wrong.
Anyway, a third reason is that I can no longer put together complete thoughts. I think it has to do with all those teachers I had growing up who claimed a complete sentence was a complete thought. Not so, unless, of course you’re a simpleton. If you’re not, you’ve probably noticed that some of your thoughts take more than just a single sentence, paragraph or page.
In fact, if you really think about your thoughts for a long time, you’ll realize some of the stuff you’ve been thinking can’t even be expressed in words at all. Sometimes you completely outpace the English language. Of course, if you think too hard on that subject, you’ll never actually have time for those really profound thoughts, plus, you’ll start to become paranoid, which will make you more like Nixon. At which point I will assign blame to you. So it’s best not to ponder.
It’s probably also beneficial not to think too hard about why I’ve spent so much conjecture on the subject of why I can’t write a column without using an ellipsis that I actually have almost written a complete piece without actually using the three dots.
I can’t really tell you why I surmise that would necessarily be beneficial, and I blame this shortcoming on …

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