Why would you want to watch the local news?
Well, of course, you want to stay informed, but you can always read newspapers for that. (Yes, I’m biased, but aren’t we all?)
Despite the small amount of actual information you may receive in 30 minutes, however, the major purpose of local news seems to be to annoy the people watching it.
We can start, of course, with the anchors, most of whom are chosen, if only in some small part, for their hair. Sure, they have to have earned some sort of communications degree, but I’m about to get one of those. That’s not saying much.
However, with so much attention paid to the outside of these people’s heads, the inside of an anchor’s skull is paid less attention to than a single mother at a congressional lobbyists’ meeting.
This wouldn’t be a problem if these heads were allowed only to deliver straight news. Now, however, they seem to be allowed to inject an increasing amount of opinion into the newscasts.
This editorializing seems to have started with the weather. The meteorologist, rather than simply observe and forecast, is always wanting to pass some sort of irrelevant judgment.
You’ll hear a lot of sentences like, “Rain is coming on Tuesday, and we need all the rain we can get for our farmers.”
Screw the farmers, OK? Do all of these weatherpeople have investments in local agricultural stock?
I don’t know any farmers, so let it rain somewhere else. We can always bring the food in from Seattle if we have to. Just because some guy on a farm wants it to rain doesn’t mean I ought to root for the same weather he does.
Another abomination these stations like to perpetrate is this constant stream of personality profiles on people like the 106-year-old woman who can play the mandolin with her dentures.
At the end of these 90-second treks into the social nadir, one of the anchors will invariably bray, “Isn’t that just the cutest thing?”
No, it isn’t “just the cutest thing.” It’s just the most pathetic thing I’ve seen all day. It’s also the biggest waste of time. If you can’t find any actual news to put on instead of this pablum, run an old episode of Silver Spoons, all right? After leaving NYPD Blue, I think Ricky Schroeder will need the royalties, don’t you?
Also, if the actual newscast itself isn’t wrenching enough for you, relax. The commercials are always featuring some local businessperson who hasn’t paid taxes in 27 years putting his or her moron kids in front of the camera to con people into buying more stuff they don’t want or need.
Plus, the commercials are often run with the volume significantly raised, just to reassure you in case you still held some doubts that the entire world had been sold the highest, or most obnoxious, bidder.
Of course, the greatest complaint I have is that the news is always on at the same time as Sportscenter. If they would just broadcast while ESPN is showing dogs on skateboards, then maybe I would watch old Helen and her coffee-stained false teeth pick out the mandolin solo from . well, whatever songs there are with mandolin solos. Just as long as the sound on those “tunes” isn’t turned up as high as the commercials.

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