In the name of journalism things must be done. In doing a column on so-called waterin’ holes, a survey of available locals to indulge in the suds of frothy ale, I could not leave out the strip club.
Some might say it’s nasty, but I guess that’s in the eye of its beholder.
Some relish nasty, the raunchy . the dirty candy. Even Janet Jackson respected the call of crass qualities, she just asked that you, “call her Janet – Mrs. Jackson if ya’ nasty.”
Beyond the city limits, a sign at the door says, “MOUSE’S EAR An Exotic Sports Bar.” $10 at the door. Food? Don’t know, I didn’t ask for any hot wings and didn’t see one of those rotisserie hot dog machines.
I did however see a sign above the urinal in the bathroom telling the prices of lap and table dances.
I was impressed that the bachelor party/birthday special included three women, as well as a T-shirt.
There is an ATM to the left of the door. You may need that ATM to pay for your bar tab. Drinks run higher than those skirts swaying by you.
Beers (cans mind you) are expensive, and if you are one of those weirdos who goes to a strip bar and gets a soda pop, then it’ll cost you for your thimble-sized cup-o’-cola.
If you wish to stop by for happy hour, the Mouse’s Ear offers drink specials on their otherwise expensive beer.
Amid all the lust for sale, looking around it seems a lonely sort of place even with all the gyrating and shaved parts. Filled with men who came alone, ready to buy the eyes of girls, if but for just a fleeted moment.
I guess it’s nothing more than a price.
But enough already, you want to know about the dancers.
Well, not all of them are worth writing home to momma, but there are more than a few hotties worth fantasizing about. The tattoos, the smooth skin of possibility, those high heels and boots and stage names like “Echo” just do something to your libido.
My friend beside me chimed in, “I love the heels on those high boots these girls wear, it’s so cool man.” He went in seeking clarity.
One of the others that went with me (remember, in the name of journalism) was seeking nothing more than a lap dance.
By strip club standards, it’s nothing grand or fantastic.
There aren’t any playmates stopping by or Penthouse Pets singing Sinatra songs, but I tell you what . I bet you can’t think of anywhere else other than “The Ear” that you can drink beer and get to see a bunch of naked women just requiring your dollar.
Cleanliness C
Atmosphere C
Use of knee-high, leather, lace-up platform boots A+
Chances of seeing a fight B
Beer quality D+
Chances of getting laid F
Chances of allowing inebriation and flirting to think you are getting some A+
Hangover tip #3:
This one is kinda gross, but since you just went to the strip club you might be feeling a little kinky.
A long couple of weeks of drinking has gotten you down, gotten you nothing but malaise. It hurts to think, brain-farts are a regular thing and your body feels almost sick.
Well, it is probably a buildup of toxins in your liver as it hangs from its falciform ligament like an ill amoeba.
To do this you’ll need is an enema kit, distilled water, eight cups of lukewarm organic coffee and follow the directions for use that come with your enema kit.
Now, why coffee?
The enzymes in coffee, known as palmitates, help the liver carry away the toxins in bile acid.
The coffee is absorbed into the hemorrhoidal vein, then taken up to the liver by the portal vein.
With the bile ducts dilated, bile carries toxins away to the gastrointestinal tract.
Simultaneously, peristaltic activity is encouraged because of the flooding of the lower colon. Thus, when the colon is evacuated, the toxins and bile are carried out of the body like the limp losers of a Thai boxing match.
Hooray for colonic cleansing!
*This article expresses my opinions and depravity alone.
I must remind you that the Surgeon General warns against alcohol abuse and that drinking it is the leading cause of waking up beside people you don’t know as well as the number one way to say things you shouldn’t have. Also, if you look at those strippers and wish for them to slowly and seductively remove their clothes you will be sinning. According to Aramaic literature, sinning is the leading cause of going to Hell.

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