Ever wonder what it would be like to die? Ever think about suicide? Philosophers, theologians and regular folks like the rest of us have asked this “academic” question from time to time.
But have we ever really thought about it in terms many of us come in contact with? I think we’d find that these things are more than “academic.”
I was browsing the net the other day, doing that thing people do when they get bored – randomly typing in words and adding “.com” or “.net” and seeing if any such site exists.
Doing this and having had a rather morbid week (long story), I typed in “suicide.com” just to see what would pop up. Sure enough, there it was – a web site dedicated to letting people talk positively to one another about suicide. And with me being the curious soul that I am, I decided to surf around.
The web site is essentially a repository of real-life accounts and a group of message boards, one for surviving family members, one for those who are feeling contemplative about the act and bad experiences and one for those who are on the upswing.
Of course I went right to the heart of the matter and started digging in the one for those who weren’t exactly feeling on top of the world.
I’d like to say that I was shocked and surprised by what I found, but I wasn’t.
Post after post had people, most of whom were 19-year-olds, who felt that life was pointless, and that tomorrow wasn’t going to get any better.
There were pages of stories of those borderline cases – those who hated life, but were just too afraid to carry out their plans.
There were stories of people who didn’t understand why their lives were so bad or why everyone but them was happy.
It brought back a lot of memories for me. I used to be very unhappy, suicidal even. I don’t know when it started, but I’m pretty sure it was high school.
Many of us probably still remember that experience, though now it seems like so many years ago for me. I’m sure we remember the popular people, the smart people, “the weirdos.”
I, for one, was too weird to be in with the “smart people,” most assuredly not popular, and bore, in many ways, an unintentional resemblance to the classical definition of “nonconformist.”
Of course we all remember what happened to those who didn’t “fit in,” but that is not what this column is about.
I could talk about how unpleasant my life in high school was, but this column is for those who already understand what that was like, who still remember and who may be experiencing those same things now. The kind of people who posted to this website.
Even now, I’m not sure why I’m writing this. Who is it for? Me? Someone reading this with a pill bottle in his hand or a gun in his mouth? For the people who won’t understand when they do it? For the people who ignored them and nurtured an already-weakened sense of self? Or is it something else?
I don’t think its for me. I’ve made my peace. I learned the hard lesson that bad things don’t always happen for a good reason. However, there is no grand conspiracy to make my life suck.
There are only people and choices, and we don’t always make good ones.
I used to spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, and being hard on myself, but I eventually made it through.
It can be done. Life goes on, no matter what. It didn’t stop for me, and I have a feeling it won’t for anyone else either.
My suggestion for anyone who feels so bad is to find someone you can talk to, and if you can’t find a friend, find a professional. ETSU has a wonderful counseling center with people who will try to help you. I know. I’ve been there.
However, before the rest of the audience gets up on their high horse and starts screaming at their depressed and suicidal acquaintances, “See, I told you so, just get over yourself,” let me say a word.
Suicidal tendencies and chronic unhappy feelings, can be signs that something really may be wrong with someone, medically. Depression is a disease. It is no different from the flu, except for how it’s treated.
For those still left, who won’t (or can’t) get help, I understand.
It took a long time and a lot of encouragement before I would go get help. So until you do, it’s important to find someone who cares about you, and tell them how you feel.
At first it may seem like nobody knows how you feel or could possibly understand your problems, but you might be surprised at what you find.
That, I think, is what this column is really all about. There are so many people who, right now, feel so hopeless and unloved that they think they want to die.They might do so, never knowing that they mattered to someone else. So my challenge to everyone is this: let someone know that you care about him or her.
If its only one person, just let them know that they are not alone because no matter what any of us may think, John Donne said it best in his “Meditation 27.”
“No man is an island, entire of himself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, [the whole continent] is the less, as well as a if promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend’s or of thine own were. Any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore, never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.Believe it or not, we’re in this together.
So, take the time to hug the person next to you, just to let both of you know that no one is ever truly alone.

Author