Hey Skeeves,
I work at a retail jewelry store at the end of a strip mall. Recently, I befriended a nice homeless man who seemed like he was down on his luck. I would talk to him when I stood outside for smoke breaks. I’ve given him a little money on a few occasions and I know for a fact that he used the money to purchase food for himself and even offered me some.
The problem is that he now routinely defecates in the empty field that is directly next to the strip mall. Everyone from the parking lot, the access road, and the storefront-sidewalk can see him plain as day. I’ll look out the store window and he’ll have his pants down to his ankles and he’ll be squatting down like it’s no big deal. Sometimes, he stares back at people and waves hello and will try to hold conversations or politely ask people for paper products.
I’ve asked him repeatedly not to do this out in the open during the middle of the business rush but he ignores my requests. I don’t want to call the police on him because he is a really great guy but customers are becoming unglued and the other employees have started chasing him but he bounds away across the field like a deer and no one can get their hands on him.
I’m pretty sure I’m fast enough to catch him, especially if he’s squatting without pants when the chase begins. My question is – When I catch him, should I beat him up to show off for the girls? Because absolutely everybody is going to be watching and one lady coworker who I really want to date would like to see this guy, my homeless friend, get seriously hurt by somebody. What should I do?
Thank you,
No Longer Wanting to See my Homeless Friend Grow Tails in TennesseeDear Tails in Tennessee,
My! What a dilemna you find yourself in. On the one hand, the homeless man is your friend. On the other hand, you shouldn’t have to watch him slowly build a log cabin every time you look out the window. Additionally, the girl you like wants to see him relieve himself in a hospital bedpan. And finally, you can’t catch the shiftless dripper who eludes your pursuit with his empty-boweled deer-like agility.
Should you just stop feeding your friend? Will his emaciated frame slumped against the store window make you grunt out peanut-pocked pangs of guilt?
Maybe but probably not? Let’s push ourselves to white-knuckle out another idea. The remaining option is using the same tactics as you would with a deer that makes gigantic curly-Q deposits in your yard. Finely grind some glass until you have a lethal amount to put in a steak-and-cheese sandwich and deliver to your good homeless friend.
His next poop, a fine stinky mess of cheesy steak and tiny orphaned maggots, will be his last! Bon Apetit!

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