W. LOCUST ST. -After years of early glory, tragedy and frequent line-up changes, the current members of Lynyrd Skynyrd announced recently that not only does the band “suck big-time now,” but also that they themselves have grown tired of seeing overweight, bleached-blond, used-up, worn-out redneck women exposing sagging and poorly tattooed breasts at their concerts.
“It’s something that has been developing for some time, Lynyrd Skynyrd’s business manager, Louis McCreeley said. “From ’81 to ’84, we didn’t suck too bad at all. From late ’84 to ’89, pretty sucky. From ’90 on to present, hard-core sucking.”
Although a new generation of toothless South-ern speed freaks has embraced the band, very few of their new fans are aware that the original members of the band are either dead or no longer playing music, and in many cases, both.
“I think one of the roadies started playing drums three years ago. Some other guy, don’t even know his name, plays lead guitar. Plus, the bootleg-trading movement never really caught on with us.”
Fortunately for the band, their business manager is able to keep an optimistic view of their situation.
“So long as bitch-slapped cracker Mamas are willing to shovel their ample rolls of tanned fat into Jordache Daisy Dukes and flash their liver-spotted, pancaked breasts to the opening strains of ‘Freebird,’ we’ll be playing sweet, sweet, sucky music.

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