W. LOCUST ST. – Self-described “High-roller” Lank Harris, from Johnson City, “feels like a bad-[posterier] [admirer of maternal figures],” after clearing $80.75 from a quarter slot machine after a six-hour rollercoaster-ride of fortune at the Hard Rock Casino in Las Vegas, Nev.
“Gambling is in my blood,” the adrenaline-wracked Harris proclaimed. “Last year, I dropped $35 in two hours on a poker slot at a Cherokee Reservation in North Carolina. But look at me now. I’m a rock star.”
Mr. Harris later spent his winnings on $50 worth of fake cocaine and a license for an ultimately unconsummated marriage to a 45-year-old drag queen.
“Next time I walk in that casino, they’re going to treat me like the king,” the unemployed Appalachian carpenter said. “Up until me, you could hardly find a free drink around the quarter slots. Not no more.”
Mr. Harris claims that he shrewdly only brought $27 into the Hard Rock Casino Tuesday afternoon.
“I was up to $45 for two hours, then suddenly down to $17.”
Harris, whose hobbies include snorting Oxycontin and making low-grade trucker-speed in his bathtub, credits his robot-like repetition and Lady Luck for his amazing turnaround. But the Tennessee native claims that it was prayer that truly pushed him over the top.
“That was my secret weapon,” Harris said while imagining having sex with a passing 19 year old.
Harris, who wore his lucky cut-off jeans and a clean, white, neatly pressed tank top for the occasion, said that none of the folks back in Tennessee are going to believe his incredible tale.
“After I step off that Greyhound decked out in a Las Vegas sun-visor and air-brushed T-shirt, my cousin Buck, who is supposed to be there at the station to pick me up, is going to [really] flip out.”
As of press time, no passengers on the Greyhound bus had taken any interest in Lank’s tale of his Vegas adventure except for a half-conscious crackhead who went by the name “Hammer-Toe.

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