W. LOCUST ST. – Christmas time has come early this year for Dave Burleson, a 42-year-old laid-off factory worker who spends his time shooting domestic animals when not drinking and circling the city for hours on end while pounding his forehead against the steering wheel of his car.
“Normally, nobody pays me much attention,” the Northern Virginia man told detectives on Wednesday. “Sometimes I get to thinking that nobody cares. But this is nice.”
With their emotional detachment from human beings in general, disgruntled middle-aged loners often are overwhelmed by feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Loner Dennis Harris explains:
“Even my neighbors ignore me. Sure, they say I seem like a nice enough guy,” Harris said. “But just because I’m generally quiet, keep to myself, but seem to come and go during odd hours of the night doesn’t mean I don’t want to play bridge with them or talk to their dog that screams at me like an Aztec high priest when nobody’s looking.”
Many loners claim that when the police are searching for a fellow loner, they will engage in activities like digging fake graves in their gardens to guarantee a friendly visit from the authorities.
“Their visit provides a nice break from the solitude of writing raving political tracts or following strangers around or staring at a basement full of homemade pipe bombs while sobbing uncontrollably for hours on end,” Harris said.
“The company makes me feel positively gruntled.

Author