As the fragrant pink shag carpeting sparkles with face glitter from shindigs past, a toned statuesque figure pulls on a pair of red fishnet stockings and slipson some “Cha Cha” ruby red platforms. Sneezing from the hot pink feather boa framing her glowing face, she gets in the mood with the funky sounds of the Bee Gees, shakes a tail feather, and then heads out the door, a soft sensuous trail of perfume lagging behind her.
Could this be an eccentric little girl with dreams of being a rock star? Could it be a party hound mother addicted to martinis and aspirin? Or could it simply be one of Hollywood’s elite stepping out for a night on the town? No, even better – it’s a man, baby, yeah! The infamous drag queen, who could do her face in less than an hour, put on a corset by herself, and still break someone in half like a wishbone. Yes, it is one aspect of American life that is sometimes admired, sometimes jeered at, and has sometimes confused many. This lifestyle has, nonetheless, kept up with the swing of things for decades.
When a man dresses up as a woman, he doesn’t usually intend to scare anyone. Drag queens aren’t meant to be frightening. They exist to entertain, and are the embodiment of glamour and elegance. These wondrous organisms should be loved rather than feared. Most of them are gentle, motherly like creatures filled with profound advice, and an endless flow of cosmetic secrets.
Those living underneath rocks may ask, “What is a drag queen anyhow?” Well, when a gay or straight man has way too much fashion sense for his owngood and likes to play dress up, he is a drag queen (not merely a boy in a dress, as others may claim he is). They have an addiction to big hair, big makeup, big sequins, and big glitter. Sometimes they are women trapped in men’s bodies, and sometimes can use their obsession in their work (i.e. head of the FBI). For a drag queen, there is nothing better than walking into their favorite hangout in five-inch platform boots, fishnet stockings, a red velvet dress, and red lipstick. A drag queen is one who can transform anything into the social event of the year. Ballerinas, butterflies, and European royalty all learned gracefulness, elegance and charm from the drag queen. Many drag queens dance, sing, cook a mean tuna casserole and do impressions of famous stars like Marilyn Monroe, Barbara Streisand, Liza Minelli, Martha Stewart and even Janet Reno. You know that a drag queen has accomplished her job when you absolutely cannot tell what gender she is.
There are a handful of movies about the bubbly lives of drag queens. Classics such as Priscilla Queen of the Desert, The Birdcage, and To Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar, should be on the video library shelves of all stable American households. Just grab little Susie and Bobby, pop open a box of Cracker Jacks, press play, and let the fun begin!
Girlfriends, wives and mothers must keep close watch on the men in their lives. If you find that your son’s, husband’s or boyfriend’s heart goes thump-thump and pitter-patter whenever he hears a booty shaking disco tune, or if he actually seems interested in going shopping, something is definitely wrong.
If one finds that the elasticity in their over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder has vanished because it has been stretched to immeasurable lengths by someunknown person, there is some reason for suspicion. If one suspects that their closet has been broken into, goes in to investigate and finds a size 13 pair of stiletto pumps mail-ordered from Frederick’s of Hollywood, one’s internal “the man in my life is a drag queen” alarm should go off. If this is what he ends up doing, tell him he shouldn’t be ashamed.
Everyone deserves to look pretty, even bulky, hairy men.
Many women get discouraged when they see drag queens glistening in flashy garb. This is understandable, because drag queens are in many ways superior.
For one, they are by far more attractive than some women, in many ways “lovelier.” Second, they have a vast and amazing knowledge of cosmetics, cosmetic secrets and procedures, which scarily enough at times seems instinctive. Whenever girls have a hard time properly applying false eyelashes, heavy body glitter, body jewels or even a wig, I am sure that they envision how marvelous it would be to have their very own mini drag queen residing in their makeup box, ready to answer all of their beauty questions. Third, they possess a twinkling confidence that all women should have (not to mention they can shake their groove thing at any given moment).
The inimitable style of a drag queen is highly evident when one attends a drag show and sees a queen perform. Sweet poetry drips from her lips as she sings, and her luxuriant attire scintillates underneath the spotlight. The queen’s splendid crooning gives off an indescribable energy, and soon the audience is singing along attempting to mimic the movements, flair and attitude of the her majesty on stage. Hail the queen.
Everyone knows that drag queens are the best creatures in the world. They are so comfortable with who they are, that others look upon them with envy.
Even the magnificent creatures of the animal kingdom long for the life of a drag queen. Blue jays and robins chirp longingly as they watch a polka-dotted kerchief-wearing drag queen walk through the park on a breezy Saturday morning. Dogs bark and cats purr as they see a dolled-up drag queen leave a cloud of dust behind as she speeds off to another night of disco balls, strobe lights and cleverly named cocktails.
It is nice to know that in this deranged society of “triflin’ good for nothin’ type of brothas” there are some strong, confident me who double as shopping sisters, wise advice-giving pals and girlfriends (not that type of girlfriend, but girlfriend! girlfriends).
Drag queens are precious commodities not to be taken for granted. Liken them to oil, diamonds, bald eagles and groundwater reserves if you will. Don’t give them the dirty finger, and next time you see one, make eye contact, grab their hand, and softly say,
“Shall I compare thee to a summers day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May.”
-William Shakespeare’s Sonnet #18

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