People have always told me that change is a good thing. I’ve often heard it coming out of my mother’s mouth, “Marianne, when are you ever going to change?”
Lately, I have been trying to change a lot of things about myself and the way I live. I’m not quite sure the changes have brought happiness, but I know they have brought about new ideas and a new attitude.
All this change had driven me into a world of irresponsibility and hopelessness. My grades and job have suffered. My head had been focused on a goal I had no idea how to reach. My soul had shut itself down due to emotional malfunctions. I was really out of whack. I had let the outside seep in.
I wanted to change for the better but I was thrown into a world of the unknown. I thought I had to scratch the whole thing and start anew. I wanted to change everything about myself, physically and mentally. I had clear guidelines to follow, and as I built the new Marianne I was not going to be led astray.
The transition and the decision to finally begin my project came a few weeks ago as I was walking into the Austin Springs Salon.
Then, as I was pondering this concept of change and its effects on my life, I sat down in the salon chair for my routine appointment and said, “Anything but blonde. I am sick of being a blonde.”
I had been a blonde all my life.
It had begun.
Now I am a redhead and I couldn’t love it more. But has it altered my personality in any way? Has this change made my life any happier or easier? Am I smarter, sexier, funnier or more productive?
Not only have I tried to change my physical appearance but I have tried to change my outlook on life as well.
The past few months, my life has been a debauchery of all that is right in the world. I have lost so much that I think I am changing to begin building on a new foundation before the old one has been leveled off.
Ghosts inhabit the burial ground of the foundation which haunts me everyday. I look in the mirror and see the new me but stare into the eyes of the old me. I can’t seem to shake her. Her pain, thoughts, impurities, failures and deceitfulness are still locked in the tower that has been remodeled. And I begin to think, “Marianne, Marianne! Let down your red hair.”
I have realized that no matter how much you change, you are still the same person. It may be your hair, your weight or anything else that you change, but in the end you are still stuck with your soul. You cannot escape yourself. You have been preprogrammed with ideas that cannot be erased and those are what make you unique.
It is how you react to situations that can be changed. Stanislovski, a Russian actor, said that every correct physical action will provoke the correct emotional response. If you want to be happy, smile. It is the actions and reactions of our everyday life that we can change, not our soul.
In my efforts to make my life better I have learned that my life was just fine the way it was. It needed only minor modifications not a radical 180 degree turn. I have found my foundation to be solid and secure. I have found the ghosts were old friends that were trying to help me realize they were a part of my life. I couldn’t take back, change or block these things out of my memory no matter how I tried. They too could be used as a learning experience. But most importantly, I learned that the remodeled tower still stands just as beautiful and confident as it had before.
I am still Marianne and that’s all I will ever be. My ideas may grow and change color as quickly as my hair, people may hate the things I say or do, but I don’t need to change anything but my actions or reactions to situations I have put myself in.

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