Contrary to most people’s instincts, there are several things that are only true if you don’t ever feel the need to say them. These are things that, once said, immediately illicit the exact opposite judgment than you hoped for from the listener. Here are a few examples: “I have a really great sense of humor.”

This is usually uttered while you are explaining why you are offended by some joke you probably just didn’t get, or to preface something you are about to say that really isn’t very funny.

“I am laid back.”

This is what a person will typically say when a group is trying to decide which restaurant to go to, just before finding a reason not to go to each place someone else suggests. As in, “Yeah, we can eat anywhere. I’m laid back…just not Mexican, sushi, Indian or Italian, and it has to be a place on Walnut that serves hoagies and is named Poor Richards. Other than that, I’m laid back.”

“Do whatever you want.”

Common from girlfriends at the climax of an argument, meaning the opposite. Now you’d really better do whatever it was she was asking you to do. When this phrase is uttered, guys, you have officially lost the argument. If you think any differently, prepare yourself.

“I really don’t have a problem with gay people…”

But I just can’t stand being around them and they gross me out. Come on, listen to yourself. Especially when some ugly, fat guy says, “I really don’t have a problem with gay dudes. They just better not touch me.” Oh yeah, like all gay guys (along with all those straight girls who never talk to you) have just been waiting for the right opportunity to pounce. Come on, bro, come out of the cave.

“I’m pretty open-minded, but…”

On this particular issue, I am about to show you just how close-minded I can be.

“Take your time on this work project, it’s no rush.”

But you’d better make it your first priority and have it on my desk ASAP.

“It’s no big deal, but I need to talk to you about something. It’ll only take a minute.”

Is there a comfortable armchair around somewhere? Ask if it’s okay for you to go to the bathroom and get a cup of coffee first. Do you need your toothbrush for an overnight stay during this talk? Get the 411.

So whenever you’re trying to say something harsh or annoying in a palatable way, think about the fact that most people can’t mask their intentions that well, and you probably can’t either.

Think about how your listener may be doubly annoyed by having to decode the message they won’t like hearing. Just go ahead and say it to them straight out.

That will save us all some time and brain energy. Just trying to help.

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