If you don’t have anything nice to say, do not say anything at all … or print it in your college publication.This is the section where we say all the things that everyone’s thinking.

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

We all watched as you conjured up crocodile tears when a judge sentenced you to 90 days in jail for multiple DUIs. If you could apply half of that acting skill to your on-screen ventures, you’d be a single threat.

Dear Paris Hilton,

Here’s a clue. If you have to launch a nationally aired television show as an attempt to find your BFF, then no one wants to be your BFF! You’re blonde and rich. It really shouldn’t be such a struggle to find people to feed into your already overgrown ego.

To Those Who Consider Blogs to be Reliable News Sources,

The word “blog” is actually two words condensed into one. It means “web log.” Meaning, essentially it is a journal.

To read a blog and believe that every word of it is absolute fact is like reading your journal and believing that your crush on David Beckham is, indeed, reciprocal in nature.

Dear Clingy Girlfriend,

I get it. You love your boyfriend and you most likely spend every waking moment with him. So why, then, do you feel the need to make out with him ferociously outside the classroom? He’s going to class. He’s not being deployed. Give it a rest.

Dear Bartender,

Please stop telling me about how old it makes you feel that people born in 1989 are now old enough to consume alcohol. It only makes me want another drink.

Dear NBC,

Give us Conan back.

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