Dear Sex Matters,My roommate told me that she had been sexually assaulted at a party over the summer. I want to help her, but I have no idea what to say or do, especially since I have never been in her shoes. I feel so bad.what can I do?

Helpless

Dear Helpless,

First of all, I applaud your wanting to help.

So often, victims of sexual assault report feeling isolated and alone because their friends and family don’t know how to interact with them and sadly, avoid them.

Your wanting to be there for her is a huge step in the right direction.

A good place to start is to simply ask your roommate what she needs and wants from you. She knows more than either you or I what will be helpful.

With that said, I can tell you a few things that I have found to be most helpful.

1. Listen. Be there. Be supportive and nonjudgmental. Convey the message that it is the perpetrator, not the victim that is responsible for the assault.

2. Be patient. Remember, it will take your friend some time to deal with the trauma.

3. Be nondirective. Encourage your roommate to make her own choices, without pressure.

4. Encourage your roommate to speak with a counselor who can provide a safe, confidential space for her to heal and help her explore her options regarding her experience. Offer to go with her if she needs the additional encouragement.

5. Inquire whether your roommate needs a medical exam. She may wish to get tested for STI’s or pregnancy.

6. Let your roommate know about available resources. Along with the ETSU Counseling Center, there are some great national online sites: www.rainn.org (rape, abuse & incest national network) and www.nsvrc.org (national sexual violence resource center) that provide support and information.

It’s also very important for you to take care of yourself!

Even though you were not the victim of the assault, hearing your friend’s story and helping to support her can impact you as well.

Make sure you stay focused on your own activities, friends, needs and health.

If you find that you are getting too involved with what is happening to your friend, set limits.

Attend to your own feelings. Practice relaxation techniques.

While honoring your friend’s needs for confidentiality, seek your own support and consider talking to your own counselor.

Remember.you cannot help others unless you are taking care of yourself.

Sex Matters is a weekly column that addresses student questions about sexuality and relationships.

It provides readers with reliable, accessible information and a range of thoughtful perspectives so that students can make personal and responsible decisions concerning their health and well-being.

Students are encouraged to email their questions to oasis@etsu.edu.

All Sex Matters questions will be read; however not all questions submitted will be selected for publication.

Sex Matters questions will be published anonymously and answered by an ETSU Counseling Center licensed counselor* as part of the OASIS (Outreach & Advocacy: Sexuality Information for Students) campus programming.

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