Dear Sex Matters,I am so incredibly frustrated. I really, really want to experience an orgasm and it just can’t seem to happen. What is wrong with me?

Frustrated Female

Dear Frustrated Female,

There are many reasons why someone may feel like they can’t orgasm.

The first thing to know is that just because you aren’t having an orgasm, that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t have an orgasm. So first, here are a few questions:

Have you ever had an orgasm (and yes, this includes an orgasm from masturbation)? Do you masturbate with any regularity? Do you think you’d know an orgasm if you had one?

The first question is important because, particularly for women, many people who have never had an orgasm simply need the right information to know how to have one.

The masturbation question is important because if you aren’t having orgasms, it can be much easier to learn to orgasm through masturbation than through sex with a partner.

On the other hand, if you’ve already had orgasms and you can’t orgasm, it’s probably not something as straightforward as knowing where to touch yourself and how.

Lastly, orgasms are notoriously difficult to describe, since they are often different for everyone, so it can be hard to know exactly what is happening on a person’s first attempts.

Here’s a basic definition, just so we know what we are talking about: An orgasm can be defined as the intense feeling of pleasure that we feel at the climax of sexual stimulation (for women, most often, stimulation of the clitoris, although other body parts and sensations are certainly significant).

It is often experienced as a series of involuntary muscle contractions within the sexual organs accompanied by a sudden release of endorphins which provide a feeling of euphoria, followed by deep relaxation.

Another way to figure out what is going on is to look at the different component parts involved in orgasms and see where there might be something getting in the way.

Are you not feeling any desire for sex in the first place? Do you want to have sex (the desire part), but find that once you start, you can’t get turned on (the arousal part)?

Do you want to have sex, get turned on, but find you can never quite make it over the top to complete the orgasm (the actual orgasm part)?

Figuring out where you get “stuck” is a good place to begin figuring out how to move forward.

There are also some common reasons people have difficulty having orgasms. They include:

Physical causes: Some chronic illnesses and diseases can get in the way of orgasm. A good first step is to talk with a family doctor to either rule out or discover potential physical causes. Most physical causes can be worked around with proper attention and care.

Psychological causes: The definition of orgasms include equal parts mental and physical experience, so it makes sense that our mental state, both how we feel and how we think, can get in the way of our ability to orgasm.

In order to orgasm you need to be able to relax and focus enough to take in the pleasurable feelings.

Depression, anxiety, PTSD and difficult emotions can all make it difficult to orgasm. Feeling really stressed out, pressured, very down about yourself, distracted or worried can prevent you from experiencing orgasm.

Checking in with a good therapist who is comfortable discussing sexuality can be a big help here.

Medications: Many different medications, including some anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications, can inhibit orgasm. If you can’t orgasm and you are taking any medication, check with the doctor who prescribes the medication.

Sexual Technique: The right sexual technique won’t guarantee an orgasm, but without it the chances of having one go way down.

Fortunately, there are lots of resources to help, both on the bookshelf and on the web. A great source book for women wanting to learn masturbation and orgasm is Betty Dodson, “Sex For One.”

There is also some great information on the web which can be easily found by Googling “how to have a female orgasm,” “how to masturbate for women” or checking out www.bettydodson.com.

Social Conditioning: The impact of being inundated by sex-negative messages should not be ignored when considering why you may not be having orgasms.

This is particularly true for women who are routinely told that “good girls” aren’t sexual and that they must hide or be ashamed of their sexual desire and power.

Face it, it’s hard to relax and enjoy your sexuality when you are filled with guilt and waiting to get “caught”.

Studies have shown orgasms to have many health benefits, including helping with symptoms of anxiety, depression, insomnia, migraine headaches and stress.

Whether by yourself or with a partner, orgasms can be a cornerstone of sexual pleasure and health.

So, turn off your phone, take a warm bath, dim the lights, breathe deep and enjoy the exploration.

Remember, there is more pleasure in embracing the journey than succumbing to the pressure of the destination.

Sex Matters is a column that addresses students’ questions about sexuality and relationships.

Students are encouraged to e-mail their questions to oasis@etsu.edu. All Sex Matters questions will be read, however, not all questions will be selected for publication.

Sex Matters’ questions will be published anonymously and answered by an ETSU Counseling Center licensed counselor, Rebecca Alexander as part of the Outreach & Advocacy: Sexuality Information for Students (OASIS) campus programming.

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