Dear Sex Matters,I guess you can say I “crush” on this guy I know. The thing is, it’s been over two years since I saw him last and I still think about him. He did have a crush on me as well, but it never went beyond that. During that time, when the feelings developed, I was in a long-term relationship and I am still with the same guy. I do love my partner very much and would do anything to keep from hurting him. It’s just that I can’t get this other guy out of my head. I keep thinking about him and the what ifs or why nots and it’s driving me nuts. How do I get over something like this?

-Chick Going Bonkers

Dear Chick Going Bonkers,

Well, they don’t call it a “crush” for nothing. Crushes can feel worse than the flu and push their way into our thoughts, emotions and bodies in ways that feel overwhelming and out of control.

As a person who has dealt with her own crushes over the years, I will speak from both personal experience of what has worked for me and a more therapeutic position of what I know about relationships in general. So here goes:

Don’t make yourself feel worse by beating yourself up. Having a crush is not a sin, it’s just feelings and people can’t help their feelings.

Infatuations are a natural part of being human, and no one is exempt. If you’re crushing on someone in spite of your being happily in love with your partner, don’t interpret it as a sign that your relationship is failing.

As the saying goes, you are in relationship, you are not dead. You will still respond emotionally to attractiveness in other guys (or women), and that may not be related to the strength of your relationship.

Because feelings come and go, it is probable that these feelings will shift at some point, but of course, we can’t know how or when. Above all, you shouldn’t beat yourself up for feeling what you do.

Try to keep in mind that you are probably not really in love with a real person, but rather you are in love with what he represents to you.

As you read this, you may be balking at this idea, but that’s because you may not want to let go of the hope that this awesome person is really as awesome as they seem to you.

Because you have never actually consummated this relationship, this guy forever remains in the form of fantasy. And because this is your fantasy, he becomes perfect, with endless possibilities for eternal happiness and fulfillment.

If the object of your crush seems perfect for you, that’s because you are projecting those qualities your soul most longs for, your very heart’s desire.

It takes lots of practice, but you can learn to recognize that this “crush” guy is not actually a real guy, but, in a real sense, just a part of you.

If you are still having a hard time with this concept, you may try taking a cold, hard look at the real person and trying to find his flaws. Because I guarantee you, there are things about that guy that would disappoint you if you really had to live with him.

Apply yourself conscientiously to this exercise and you’ll figure out that your pretend version of the guy is actually more fun than bringing him into the real, human form.

Examine your long-term relationship and bring your fantasy into reality. It is worth asking yourself the question, “What is it that I am longing for in my fantasy that I don’t have in my real life?”

The answers may give you some clues about what you can explore in your current relationship and life. After you have some ideas of what the fantasy is actually longing for, see if you can bring it into your “real” relationship.

You say you love your partner, but face it, the poor guy doesn’t stand a chance being compared to this idealized version of the “crush.” I’m thinking you don’t imagine the crush with morning breath, or feeling angry, or forgetting to pick up milk or having too much homework to hang out with you.

Rather than pining for someone you can’t have (and isn’t even real), you can hopefully take the whole thing into the present, into your here and now, into the real flesh-and-blood man that you love. What you bring from your crush can actually bring fantasy, romance and a hot opportunity for some great erotic playfulness to your current relationship.

There is, of course, always the possibility that you can’t find what you really want in your current relationship and if this is the case, there are decisions to be made.

Is the relationship ‘good enough’ as it is? Or are you no longer willing to live without what you really want? If this is the case, I encourage you to find some support in figuring this out.

You cannot force the thoughts and feelings of the crush to go away; however, people often make it worse by feeling guilty and ashamed.

Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel the feelings and explore what it is you are really longing for and fantasizing about.

Accept what is happening to you and keep a sense of humor about it. Be creative and playful as you try to integrate your heart’s longings into your current life and relationship. Appreciate the crushing for illuminating a new perspective on who you really are.

Sex Matters is a column that addresses students’ questions about sexuality and relationships.

Students are encouraged to e-mail their questions to oasis@etsu.edu. All Sex Matters questions will be read, however, not all questions will be selected for publication.

Sex Matters’ questions will be published anonymously and answered by an ETSU Counseling Center licensed counselor, Rebecca Alexander as part of the Outreach & Advocacy: Sexuality Information for Students (OASIS) campus programming.

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