On Tuesday, Oct. 26, sometime in the afternoon, a young woman was thrown into a wall outside the second floor elevator of the Culp Center. She was thrown into the wall by her boyfriend, with such force that the drywall buckled and an imprint of her body was left behind.

Another student, after hearing the crash of the impact, called Public Safety, but by the time they arrived, the couple had disappeared.

One can only imagine . if this is how this violent abuser acts in public, I shudder to think what might be happening to this woman behind closed doors.

IPV (intimate partner violence) has been and continues to be an epidemic on college campuses.

While men and women can both be abusers and abused, the overwhelming majority of victims are women, ages 16-24.

The latest Department Of Justice statistics report that approximately 32 percent of college students are victims of relationship violence . this is 1 in 3 students.

Look around you and think about it – 1 in 3. IPV accounts for as many as half of 911 calls nationwide, and battered women account for 15-30 percent of emergency room visits.

IPV does not go away. In fact, studies show over and over again that in a violent relationship, the frequency and intensity of violence only escalates over time.

With this high rate in injury and abuse, it is often assumed that an abused partner will not think twice about leaving her batterer.

However, these partners stay for a number of reasons such as emotional, physical or psychological coercion, intimidation, financial stability and love.

Sometimes, the violence is balanced with times of calm, where the abuser apologies, makes promises, begs for forgiveness.

Other times, the abused partner has been keeping the abuse a secret, has become isolated from friends and family and cannot figure out how to get beyond the embarrassment and shame to ask for help.

Sometimes, the abused does not even know where to go for help.

Sometimes, the abused gets so used to hearing from their partner what a loser they are, how no one else would want them, how they’re so stupid and ugly and incompetent, that they actually start to believe it.

And then, there is the fear. The most dangerous time for a victim is when she or he tries to leave . trying to regain the power and control, the abuser escalates the violence and becomes even more dangerous.

Leaving becomes a time of even harsher insults, harder punches, greater danger, greater harm, possibly even death.

If you are in an abusive relationship, please know that you are not alone.

Abuse happens to good people. Abuse is never your fault.

Abuse has nothing to do with love or disappointment or anger or any mental diagnosis.

Abuse and acts of violence are nothing more than conscious acts of control.

Abuse thrives in silence and secrecy. Please, tell someone safe and ask for help. If you have no family or friends to tell, come to the Counseling Center in the Culp Center, Room 345 (phone: 439-4841) where you can be safe to tell your story, explore your options and make decisions in total respect, confidentiality and privacy.

You can get out, survive, heal and go on to healthy, loving, safe relationships.

If you know someone being abused, please don’t judge them. Be their friend. Support them and help them.

Realize the complexities of leaving an abusive relationship and let them know you care.

Ask them what they need from you. Listen. Seek your own support from a counselor.

Relationship violence on campus will only diminish if we all take a stand and say, “Enough is enough”.

If you see a friend being abusive, call him or her out. Don’t participate in derogatory, sexist jokes. Say no to IPV in “entertainment,” i.e., videos, movies, commercials.

Educate yourself. Join campus organizations to take a stand against violence -OASIS, FMLA, LGBTies and Students Against Violence.

Take a women’s studies class. Learn how to be a good partner.

Practice peace and kindness. Learn the components of a healthy relationship and practice them.

Begin by taking a step toward being part of the solution, because in the end, silence is complicity.

Sex Matters is a column that addresses students’ questions about sexuality and relationships.

Students are encouraged to e-mail their questions to oasis@etsu.edu. All Sex Matters questions will be read, however, not all questions will be selected for publication.

Sex Matters’ questions will be published anonymously and answered by an ETSU Counseling Center licensed counselor, Rebecca Alexander as part of the Outreach & Advocacy: Sexuality Information for Students (OASIS) campus programming.

Rebecca Alexander, LMFT,

ETSU Counseling Center,

OASIS Program Coordintor

alexanrl@etsu.edu

439-4841

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