Dear Sex Matters:How do you define a virgin? I have never had any sexual intercourse; however, my boyfriend and I often have “intimate actions” and oral sex. Am I still a virgin?

Signed,

Wonder(ing) Woman

Dear Wonder(ing) Woman,

It is an interesting question: What does it mean to lose your virginity?

Most dictionaries define a virgin as “a person who has not had sexual intercourse,” with sexual intercourse being defined as “sexual union especially involving penetration of the vagina by the penis.”

In the strictest, most literal term, you are thus a virgin until you’ve had sexual intercourse with a member of the opposite sex. But this definition leaves a lot of people out of the loop.

For example, does this mean that gays and lesbians are eternal virgins? Or that someone who is highly sexual but stops at intercourse is a virgin?

In theory, under this very traditional definition of virginity, sex and sexual intercourse are separated – an interesting notion, to say the least.

Outside the context of the dictionary, people seem to have many different ways of defining “virgin.” To some, a virgin is someone who hasn’t had sexual intercourse (penis-to-vagina). To others, a virgin is a person who has not engaged in any intimate acts, including deep kissing, genital touching, and oral, vaginal and anal sex.

Still others may allow certain intimacies, like kissing and touching below the belt, while excluding other sex acts. Some people believe they are a virgin until they have sex with someone of the opposite sex, while many believe that people who exclusively have same-sex partners can and do lose their virginity.

Finally, some believe that mutual consent must occur and that people who have been sexually assaulted, but have not had consensual sex, are still virgins.

Why the variation? Definitions of virginity are often deeply personal and stem from religious, cultural, historical and family influences that emphasize different values.

Some people want to remain a virgin for religious or cultural reasons, some relate the concept of purity to being a virgin, others simply don’t want to have sexual intercourse at this point in their lives.

It’s normal to question whether you are still a virgin, and if so, whether or how long you wish to remain a virgin. It’s also normal, if not especially easy, to come up with your own definition of what virgin means to you.

You might start by asking yourself these questions: What does “losing your virginity” mean to you? Is it a state of mind or a specific act? Is it something that can be taken from you, or does it only count if you willingly participate?

How do you define “sex” and when does “having sex” begin? How would you define losing your virginity if you were/are homosexual? Is sexual intercourse the only act of sex? Or does sex also include oral and anal sex or mutual masturbation?

Is your virginity a matter of technicality and terminology to you or is your virginity connected to a deeper spiritual component of your self? How do you see yourself as a sexual being and what does this mean to your virginity? How do you blend your notion of yourself as a sexual being with the values and expectations placed on you by society, culture, religion and family?

Like so many of life’s gray areas, only you can determine if you’re “still a virgin.” Take the time to reflect on how you see yourself and what you really want for yourself in the realm of your sexuality and relationships.

Ultimately, defining such a seemingly simple word could lead to a rich process of self-discovery, growth and clarity.

Enjoy the journey!

Students are encouraged to e-mail their questions to oasis@etsu.edu. All Sex Matters questions will be read, however, not all questions will be selected for publication.

Sex Matters’ questions will be published anonymously and answered by an ETSU Counseling Center licensed counselor, Rebecca Alexander as part of the Outreach & Advocacy: Sexuality Information for Students (OASIS) campus programming.

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