Even though January has come and gone, let’s take a minute and reflect on what we are really wanting for ourselves in 2011. I don’t know how many people included sex in their New Years resolutions; I usually do, but hey, that’s me. It’s important to me to stay connected to what I am really wanting for myself in the realm of relationships. So, I thought I’d share a way of developing some sexual resolutions if you’ve never done it before.Resolution #1: Resolve to Treat Yourself Well.

This, of course, means many different things to different people. However, let all your sexual wishes for yourself be grounded in safety and respect for yourself. This may mean taking a R.A.D. (Rape Aggression Defense) class*, setting clear boundaries around sex and alcohol, always ensuring the giving and receiving of consent in sexual encounters, or learning to love your body in more affirming ways.

Ask yourself how to be a better lover of yourself. Particularly in the west, our sexual focus tends to be on being a great lover for someone else. It’s all about making your partner go wild in bed, finding their “secret spot,” or compromising your own desires to meet their needs.

Take a few minutes to think about your own sexual desires. Are you able to ask yourself and/or your partner for what you want? When you think about your sexual desires, do you treat yourself harshly? Feel embarrassed or ashamed? Your sexual desires and interests belong to you – they do not make you a bad person.

Whether it’s maintaining your virginity, being curious about a new position, or letting yourself read some great erotica, give yourself the gift of acceptance.

Resolution #2: Resolve to Treat Others Well.

How do you want to treat others sexually this year? Others may be partners, or strangers, your roommate or the person sitting next to you in class.

Whoever you interact with directly, when you interact with them around issues of sex or gender, think about the power you have to choose how you’re going to treat them in those interactions.

Are you treating others respectfully, regardless of whether you share the same sexual orientation, or gender, or sexual desires?

Do you ask for consent before initiating any sexual or physical contact? Can you be clear about your own boundaries and desires so that others can know what you want from them?

Ask others how you can be most affirming and supportive. I, for example, recently chose to give up my favorite lunch – the grilled chicken salad at Chick-fil-A.

What does this have to do with sexuality, you may ask? Turns out, Chick-fil-A’s CEO and president, Dan Cathy, is a strong opponent of same-sex relationships and spends much company money sponsoring anti-gay organizations.

Personally, I cannot give the company any more money until they welcome my LGBT friends in a more affirming manner.

Affirmation and support are expressed differently by all of us – think about how to bring them into your world of relationships and sexuality.

Resolution #3: Resolve to Communicate About Sex.

Thinking back on 2010, what strikes you most about the ways we talked about sex and gender? What do you think of how these topics are discussed and depicted in the mainstream media? How can you move your own language beyond stereotypes, cultural expectations and gender roles?

Maybe you’d like to stop telling derogatory jokes against women and men, or stop using the word “gay” as synonymous with “ridiculous” or “stupid.”

Are you able to have open, honest conversations with your partner about sex?

Everyone has a hard time talking about sex at one time or another, but keeping silent about sex keeps us ignorant and potentially leads to negative sexual health outcomes (which could be anything from just having bad sex to not being clear about our boundaries to acquiring sexually transmitted infections).

Resolve to create a basic sexual vocabulary that feels comfortable for you, and use it. This way, you give yourself and others the gift of being able to share how you feel, tell what you want and ask for what you need.

Wishing you all a safe, happy, healthy 2011.

Questions may be e-mailed to oasis@etsu.edu. Sex Matters’ questions will be published anonymously and answered by an ETSU Counseling Center licensed counselor, Rebecca Alexander as part of the Outreach & Advocacy: Sexuality Information for Students (OASIS).

R.A.D. Training is free to any female student and will be conducted on March 31, April 7 and April 14 (participants must attend all three classes). Contact OASIS@etsu.edu for more information.

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