“Chicken jockey!”
Two words. Two words that have caused distress and disaster in theaters all around the world. Two words that sum up the pure cinematic garbage that is “A Minecraft Movie,” an adaptation of the video game phenomenon from Mojang Studios.
Set in Chuglass, Idaho, “A Minecraft Movie” follows Natalie (Emma Myers) and her brother Henry, two newcomers to the town. After a disastrous day at school, Henry meets Garrett “The Garbage Man” Garrison (Jason Momoa), a washed-up 80s video game champion, and notices a mysterious object in his store: the Orb of Dominance. As a result of Henry picking up the object, it drags him, Garrett, Natalie and Dawn (Danielle Brooks) — a real estate agent who also owns a petting zoo — to a portal that transports them to the Overworld: A mystical cube-shaped realm, resided by a man named Steve (Jack Black).
What results from this plot is 101 minutes of downright misery.
Jared Hess, the director of the film, brings to the viewer a modern cinematic disgrace. The Overworld villagers are depicted as fleshy abominations — walking cubes of flesh with slimy textures — along with the weirdly hairy textures of the Creepers, delving the film into uncanny valley territory. Hess is at the helm of this cinematic travesty, especially considering the inclusion of traits that have been featured throughout his work, most notably, his popular film, 2004’s “Napoleon Dynamite.” These traits include the Idaho setting, along with the 80s aesthetics and media formats of that period, such as the retro arcade cabinets in Garrett’s video game shop and the clothes that inhabit his wardrobe.
The horridness of the film also extends to the screenplay, which contains the baffling inclusion of the Internet slang “unalive” into the script, with this word being uttered by General Chungus, voiced by Hess, an associate of the film’s antagonist, Malgosha. The dreadful dialogue of the script extends to lines featured such as “Chicken jockey” and “Flint and steel” — proving that the film is fuelled more by references, instead of trying to craft an engaging story.
The only scenes in the film that feel slightly less torturous to watch are those featuring Jennifer Coolidge, who portrays Marlene, the Vice Principal at Henry’s school. However, the romantic subplot involving her character and a villager doesn’t make it any easier to get through.
With this combination of cinematic ingredients, “A Minecraft Movie” results in a slop stew pumped out for profit rather than art. If anything, this truly dreadful film’s success makes mainstream cinema’s future look bleak.
Films like these shouldn’t be produced.
“A Minecraft Movie” is now playing in theaters.
