To walk across the campus of ETSU is to come across one of the largest populations of tree squirrels in the good ole’ U.S. of A. These lively rodents with long bushy tails seem to greatly outnumber students.
It is a mystery how this concentrated cloud of squirrel came to be so prominent on campus, but alas, it is consequently so.
New students may initially feel uncomfortable with the amount of squirrels, but as time goes on they seem just as close to them as their fellow ETSU students, faculty, staff and alumni.
The sight of wild creatures roaming free on the lovely campus of ETSU may give one peace of mind from the every day stresses of life. However, there is something dark and sinister about these squirrels that cannot be seen from their adorable outward demeanors.
Gazing in their wee little eyes one can tell that squirrels have the will and the power to take over this institution of higher education. They may have been planning it for some time now, with huge squirrel rallies to incite the squirrel nation to fire, violence and destruction.
Squirrels are most likely scheming to get rid of all the students so they can pursue degrees in business, history, and philosophy.
Opportunities for squirrels to become well educated elsewhere are scarce. ETSU offers degrees in a variety of majors and colleges in the heart of the beautiful Appalachian mountains. Perfect for a squirrel.
The campus of ETSU isn’t an especially dangerous one, but a vivid imagination and the horrifying sounds of leaves rustling behind one when walking to class could leave a student too afraid to walk on campus alone. Monitoring your every move are militant squirrels creeping through the leaves and heaving nuts at your head.
Why do these seemingly cute and cuddly furry animals have such an interest in innocent, unsuspecting students? Quest-ions such as these may never be answered.
NaÜve college students with a deep respect for nature make the most of their squirrel encounters and treat the animals with courtesy and respect, oblivious to their malevolent ways.
“While I’m walking on campus I can often hear squirrels ‘barking’ at me when I pass under a tree branch,” said Tori Wedgeworth, junior, “so sometimes when I see one on campus I’ll say ‘hey.’ It’s like my way of connecting with nature and acknowledging that it’s there.”
Squirrels are intelligent and extremely capable creatures. They sense the emotional vulnerability that humans have to anything furry and use it to their advantage.
Squirrels understand how our minds work. They know that we cry when a furry puppy is born, and they see how much we “ooh!” and “ahh!” when we see an anonymous individual reupholster their car in furry leopard.
The squirrel knows. They cross busy main roads just to elicit a response from us along the lines of “Oh! Poor little thing! Get out of the road dear little squirrel so that I might not hit thee!”
They laugh at this weak kindheartedness and go on with their busy lives of gathering nuts, planning the revolution and getting it on with other hot little squirrels.
Naturally, not all squirrels can get along in a peaceful manner while planning takeover.
“I saw squirrels fighting at the top of a tree once and one squirrel threw the other one off in an attempt to end its life,” quipped Jeremiah Jenkins, senior.
So what are we to do about the possibility of losing our school and everything in it that we hold dear? Little or nothing. Attempts aimed at stopping them would be futile and just delay the inevitable. Simply steer clear of the militant little beasts and keep your wits about you.
Do not by any means cut them any slack. They are the enemy. Frequently using sugary sweet phrases such as “For squirrels sake!” and “I know you’ve been squirreling around with that other woman!” don’t help either.

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