W. LOCUST ST. – Working with information presented by high-level Iraqi government defectors, U.N. arms inspectors have announced their belief that Saddam Hussein is now sweating bullets of varying diameters and is producing what appears to be plastic explosives in the seat of his pants.
“Not only is he heavily sweating bullets, but the Iraqis are responding to the use of advanced American weaponry by developing ‘nervous bombs,'” Donald Rumsfield told reporters on Thursday. “They have been buying on the black market the spent jitters which are necessary for the detonation of a “nervous bomb.”
Since America’s war against terrorism has seemingly slowed down on the al-Qaeda front in Afghanistan and Pakistan, Iraq has been feverishly preparing to receive the attention of the Pentagon war planners.
Despite continuing sanctions, the Iraqi economy is humming along as production of small squares of white cloth has nearly tripled in the last week.
Additionally, the State Department has stated that Iraqi troops and military officers are taking precautions against future detection by U.S. heat seeking devices by thoroughly wetting their pants.
Saddam Hussein’s production of large bullets of organic sweat has been detected by U.S. satellite photography. While there have been indications that the same weaponry system is being employed by Palestinian leader Yassar Arafat, intelligence sources believe that it is merely a non-lethal hygienic quirk.
U.S. warplanes patrolling the no-fly zones over northern and southern Iraq have reported seeing Iraq get pushed into the lockers before turning to Saudi Arabia, who was walking nearby, and asking Saudi Arabia to “hold me back, hold me back.” Saudi Arabia, who was on the way home to dig its own grave, turned away quickly and acted like it did not recognize Iraq.

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