A Few Solid Reasons to Read this Column:
Three tragic truths about slow-dancing with a ninja:
1. Ninjas kick very fast and will not hesitate to kick you in the face as one way of saying, “No thanks, I don’t feel like dancing at this moment.”
2. Ninjas are experts in self-concealment, so sometimes you might be dancing with a ninja but it appears to everyone else and even to yourself that you are dancing alone.
3. When you are dancing alone, you can claim to be dancing with a ninja and nobody will know the difference except for maybe the ninja who may or may not then kick you in the face.
A few thoughts about sitting down on your own balls:
1. The less one sits down on one’s own balls, the more one will excel in one’s chosen occupational field.
2. Successful doctors, lawyers and people who wear nice shoes to work do not sit down on their own balls very often.
3. Security guards and assistant coaches sit down on their own balls almost constantly.
4. The explorer Lewis once sat down on the explorer Clark’s balls while the two were giving each other backrubs and gazing across the Grand Canyon.
Unnecessary homo-erotic accusations lobbed against Lewis and Clark:
1. Both Lewis and Clark were wearing really short cut-off jeans and fanny-packs when they discovered Mt. Rushmore.
2. Lewis and Clark set an unofficial world record for longest unorganized gay parade (under 50,000 people category).
3. Lewis and Clark made good on their promise to “chase each other to the ends of this glorious super continent” and to “make out like giddy schoolchildren every time we see a blue jay.”
A handful of lesser known facts about giddy schoolchildren:
1. They sob uncontrollably into their pillows at night.
2. The mixture of laughter and first love permanently destroys 40 percent of your bone marrow.
Several words that begin with “SCR” and sound sexual but are not:
Scree
Scrimshaw
Scrivener
Scrod
A few things the doctor will say to you shortly before telling you that you’ve only got a month to live:
1. “You would be surprised how many people out there would consider themselves lucky if they just had one more month to get their things in order.”
2. “Week to live? That’s all I hear about anymore. It’s the new fad, I guess. Everyone’s got one week to live. You know what I miss? The monthers. Whatever happened to those cool M.F.’s?”
3. “How am I doing? I’m fine, I guess, considering I have to trudge along this uncaring planet for another 40 miserable, identical years. Forty years for what? I could wrap this mother up in 22 days flat and still have time to kill. Thirty days, sitting pretty. Anyhow, as jealous as I am, I want to be the first to congratulate you …”
Several collected thoughts about suicide bombers:
1. Even when suicide bombers have great success, the boys down at the station can kick back and say, “At least we got one of them.”
2. Nobody gets really, really good at suicide bombing.
3. Lots of would-be suicide bombers change their majors to storytelling.
Five subjects George Thoroughgood sings about that sound really cool but really aren’t:
1. Getting kicked out of your house by your woman
2. Getting kicked out of your house by your landlord
3. Drinking alone
4. Making old women blush
5. Drinking with Granddad who normally drinks alone
A few things Hell’s Angels store in their saddlebags along with brass knuckles and pounds of high-grade meth:
1. Scrunchies
2. Lord of the Rings cup from Burger King
3. Wet wipes
4. Diary with little tiny latch and lock
Names you can give your daughter that you think will make her spiritual and earthy but will only guarantee that she will act like a crazy slut:
1. Kharma
2. Rainbow
3. Dharma
4. Harmony
Favorite activities of your professor 10 minutes before he or she shows up in class:
1. Smoking dope and arguing about Star Wars
2. Wondering if she is the only one who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about subject matter
3. Working on a 300-page manuscript about a former professor who leaves his wife to become a writer but in the process gets mixed up with a Hindi priestess and then becomes King of the Sherpas but later moves to Philadelphia and becomes a hard-nosed detective who uses his cynical insight to dissect over the course of seven chapters the symbolism of the crack in the Liberty Bell.
A few places that professors assume Boba Fett would look if he came home and thought a ninja might be hiding somewhere inside his home:
1. Behind the curtains
2. Suspended against the ceiling
3. Under the bed
4. Behind the television
5. Inside the recliner
Some possible activities the president of a university might daydream about:
1. Climbing to the highest point on campus with a high-powered rifle and thinking about the budget
2. How, instead of being a pillar of the community, he would like to hunker down with a case of beer in a bathroom on Buffalo Mountain
3. A heroic but ultimately failed attempt to save the entire art department from a tractor trailer-sized scorpion that also takes the lives of 350 beginning fiddle players, the entire coaching staff, his secretary, and anybody who has ever asked for increased spending for the storytelling department.
4. Making strong women beg and making good girls steal
Subjects that would go unmentioned during a brief conversation between Jesus, Mohammed and Moses:
1. Kid Rock’s second album
2. Any Star Wars movie besides Empire Strikes Back
3. Israel, circa 1967
A couple of great reasons to attend a small university in an economically depressed region of the Southeast United States:
1. What you do after college is surprisingly close to what you did before college.
2. All it takes is a backpack to feel like a rich kid.

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