Dear Couch,
I’m having problems with my mother. Even though I’m a grown woman, I still crave a relationship with her and would like to talk/e-mail with her at least once a week. We’ve always had our problems – she’s a pretty selfish person and usually put her needs before others’ when I was growing up, and still does – and I’ve never been able to fully trust her because of things she’s done in the past, like telling others my secrets, or throwing things in my face that I’ve done wrong long after they’ve happened.
I try to maintain a relationship with her, but when I call, she hardly says a word, and when I e-mail her, she doesn’t respond. I e-mailed her a few weeks ago telling her I would like to forge better and more frequent communication with her, and she wrote back basically saying she was really busy taking care of her ailing mother and husband and just “didn’t have time” to keep in touch.
I hear about other women confiding in their mothers about things, and it makes me so sad that I don’t have that. It doesn’t help that I’ve recently gotten married and moved to a city closer to her, and she seems not to want anything to do with my life. I’m tired of feeling like this. Am I crazy to want to have a relationship with this woman who is seemingly blowing me off?
-Miserably Motherless
Dear Miserably,
Have you ever heard the saying, “You can’t squeeze blood from a turnip”? It sounds like your mother is a woman who has problems maintaining relationships. She’s selfish, untrustworthy, and hurts your feelings. Now take the mother factor out of the equation: is this someone with whom you would normally pursue a relationship? Unless you’re a masochist, I would hope not.
True, it is hurtful to have someone in your family blow you off and be hot and cold all the time; but as I recall, you’re a grown woman, and grown women can choose with whom they have relationships. You’re giving your mom too much power over your feelings, and it’s time to find other sources that can fill this void in you. Not everyone has a wonderful mom (ever seen “Mommy Dearest”?), so they have to create positive relationships with other people who take the place of their mothers. A relationship like the one you have (or don’t have) with your mom is toxic and unfulfilling, and now that you’re grown up, you have the choice to let her go, as well as these feelings of sadness. Lower your expectations of her because she’s obviously just not going to be there for you. When you do interact with your mother, always take the high road and be civil, but for your own sanity, toss this turnip – it’s dry as a bone.

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