At 6 in the morning, three hours before a class, one would prefer not to be woken up to the sound of sex taking place five feet away, but I tend to be a magnet for such things.
It is safe to assume I was unable to attend my 9:20 a.m. class for lack of sleep. It is also safe to assume this roommate – one of my several experiences with cohabitating – and his partner had a great night at my expense.
I understand the procedures: if you walk in on your roommate having sex, it is for the best to leave the room unless class work or sleep are obligatory; if you plan to have sex, it is social courtesy to ask your roommate for some personal time with the room; and, sober or smashed, it is extremely rude and cheap to have sex while your roommate is asleep. Leaving a condom stuck to the side of the trash can is not the most effective exercise of subtlety either.
These rules are not rocket science; they are not even long division. It is crucial to establish a healthy relationship with your roommate. I have had several roommates and plenty of bad experiences.
I’ve dealt with their farts, loogies, facial hair in the sink, sports commentary at full blast, obnoxious friends, phones chiming from midnight to dawn, sexism, conservatism, tasteless décor, meat-eating, odors, breakdowns and drunken binges on Thursday nights. I should not be expected to endure their sex lives.
I am not the only one who has suffered the plight of the inconsiderate roommate.
Sophomore Kayla Boring, of a previous roommate, has a horror story of her own: “I had fallen asleep around 11 and my roommate was doing homework. I awoke at around 12:30 to the sound of her talking to a guy. I couldn’t see them, so I assumed they were in her bed. Then I could hear them kissing and I started to panic. They had put a movie on – I guess so I wouldn’t hear them – but I heard everything. I rolled around in bed, coughed and even reached down for my phone so they would know I was awake, but they never stopped. After about an hour, I grabbed my key and left. I ended up sitting outside from 1:30 to 2:30 in the morning. She sent me a text saying, ‘You could have asked us to leave,’ and I was so upset because I had been asleep. She could have gone elsewhere. The next day, she acted like nothing happened and never mentioned it again.”
Scary stories aside, here are some suggestions that should help you avoid awkward mornings after unseemly nights. These simple rules will also help the inept and inconsiderate roommates out there to reflect on their actions and grow up.
First, establish a code. Some students have notice boards on their doors. Sophomore Sara Styles and her roommate used the word “banana” to forewarn each other of sexual activity taking place inside. “Happy pants” is another fine example used by junior Whitney Prater and her roommate. Use a Post-it, put a sock over the doorknob, leave a newspaper by the door, or whatever your imagination can produce: let your roommate know. Only those creepy exhibitionists like being caught in the act.
Second, honor the code. Seriously. If pirates can do it, we Buccaneers can too!
Finally and most importantly – this one goes to every sexually active student – use a condom. I know that Gov. Sarah Palin may not approve, but they are very handy. As an added notion of respect and mercy for your roommate, dispense of all evidence. Would you like to see someone else’s used condom? Surely, Gov. Palin and I aren’t the only ones. For the sake of total ambience, spray some air freshener after the deed is done. The scent of apples and cinnamon is far more welcoming than the odor of sweat and other bodily fluids. If you have further suggestions, questions or a horror story of your own, feel free to write a letter to the editor.
And I mean it. Use a condom.

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