Hi Dr. Old-Guy-With-the-Weird-Mole-and-Coffee-Breath,I just felt like I needed to write to tell you that I am really not sorry I missed your super boring class on Tuesday. I really don’t feel bad about it at all!

I am also not sorry I am still running late on that D2L dropbox submission on Chapter 3 that was due right before class, but I think the following made-up excuses are awesome enough to at least get you off my back until I can figure out a really nice comment about your lousy Cosby sweaters to get on your good side next week.

You see, I was feeling really healthy and it was an awesome day outside. The roads were just in top condition, clean and not slippery with ice or snow at all.

I mean, I had so much healthy, focused energy that I really felt I should do something productive to expend it – resting and recuperating was the last thing I needed.

All my relatives were healthy, and I didn’t have any car trouble at all. I’d already gotten groceries and a haircut and cleaned the house the day before. My pets had already been to the vet recently and I don’t have kids, so as you can tell I was extremely not busy and I wasn’t under any kind of mental stress at all.

I actually drove all the way to campus anyway because I heard there was a really good frisbee game going on behind Basler. It ended at a time that was right-before-and-in-no-way-overlapping-with class time, and I know your class is actually held nearby and involves a lot of outdoor fun activities, so I really could have easily come and done just about the same thing, but I just really, really, really didn’t want to spend even a second with you at all, man.

You see, I have nine whole hours this semester and it’s just that it’s so hard to do the once-a-week class thing as well as my extremely easy graduate assistantship at Sherrod as the dude who swipes cards for laptops but is never at his desk because he’s getting that super tasty Butterfinger Coffee from the machine in the employee section.

I didn’t almost do the assignment today so I’d at least get partial credit, I just got on D2L and paged this other dude from your class over and over again while he tried to post his comments on the discussion board. That was funny, I mean, that noise it makes when you page people is so funny!

So I was even on the site, but man, did I not want to do anything that would give you faith in me as a serious or diligent student at all, so I just kind of played guitar and stared at the screen, taking breaks to go mix myself margaritas every once and a while. Because as you probably don’t know (because you seem really square), you just have to reward yourself sometimes.

Really, though, it’s not even your fault because you have all kinds of audio-visual presentations and you’re celebrated in your field and a really engaging and charming man. All the girls in our class who won’t respond to me when I try to proposition them while they’re working out on the elliptical machines at the gym seem to really be crushing on you hard.

It’s just that I’m an extremely horrible and self-absorbed person and I miss out on so much of what life has to offer as a result.

But, hey, it’s not all rainstorms and thunder, I do get a lot of satisfaction out of laughs at other people’s expense.

You don’t understand but if you give me a bad grade I’ll try to frame you for something nasty and get you put up for review.

Insincerely,

Mike Still-Wears-Cargo-Shorts-and-Backwards-Hats

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