Chivalry was once a great thing, but it should have died along with the knights and fair maidens.
Women have fought for equal rights for the last 50 years, but, for some reason, allowed the ideals of male chivalry to pass undetected and unharmed. Isn’t the very idea of chivalry an oxymoron?
Women want equal rights, but having a man pay for dinner, open a door or buy presents for Valentine’s Day is all right, because, face it, Valentine’s Day is not a holiday for men. When are we, as men, going to petition Congress for our own special day?
Therefore, I am humbly releasing my proposal that will ensure the equal rights of men.
First off, we men should withhold sex. We need to take the power back by hitting women in the least expected place: the bedroom. It might be hard, but fight the good fight.
Secondly, upon entering a restaurant, stand in front of the door and cough softly into your hand so that the woman will understand that you want some respect.
If the woman in question does not make a move to open the door, then make a huffy noise and say, “I will just get it myself.” After the door fiasco, remain mad for a minimum of 30 minutes.
The same concept applies to the car door. Go to your respective door and wait by it, tapping your foot all the while, until the woman opens it for you.
After eating out at a restaurant, when the waiter gives you the check, slide it across to your female companion and say, “Thank you for taking me out to dinner, honey.”
When you are in the bedroom with a woman and sexual tension fills the air, give her a kiss on the cheek and say, “Good night, I will see you in the morning.”
Then proceed to turn out the light and go to bed. I realize that this is a nearly impossible thing to do, but I never said that the fight for equality was an easy one.
This sacrifice is necessary because women have infiltrated and have spies in all areas of the beverage industry. There are certain drinks that only women consume. These are the only ones without the mind-control drug in them. All other beverages, like beer, have a drug, placed there by women, that destroys the decision-making capabilities of the male mind.
Therefore, I propose that we should create the “Equality Infusion and Suspicious Activities Oversight Committee” (in short E.I.S.A.O.C.).
This committee would create “Egalitarianism Camps” wherein women would be interrogated and persuaded to give up the names of their beverage agents/mayhem creators. In addition to rigid interviewing, women would be taught to open doors and pay for meals.
Obviously, this woman-conversion process will be a lengthy procedure, but six months in an “Egalitarianism Camp” should be quite sufficient.
Men, we must fight to regain our independence, and always remember that we are on the right side.
The E.I.S.A.O.C. is a small step on the long road towards our freedom, but we must band together, and with the strength of our convictions we shall gain what we have only dreamed of for so long . equality.

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