A year ago I reached my goal weight of 125 pounds and I vowed I would never again see 190 pounds on my scale. Two days ago I reached for a package of cookie dough (1,800 calories, 96 grams of fat) in an aisle at Ingles. I had driven myself there at 8 p.m. for the sole purpose of purchasing the tasty, calorie-ridden treat. I drove home, started an episode of “The Good Wife” on my laptop and proceeded to eat two rows of ready-to-bake cookie dough squares. This was the second time in two weeks that I had found myself purchasing cookie dough, a food that I had sworn off over a year ago when I reached my goal weight and realized that if I were really going to keep the weight off, I’d have to leave my favorite food behind.

I’m less than a month away from my weight loss anniversary. I was recently featured on the local news because of the weight I’ve lost and the weight I’ve inspired others to lose. In April, I’m being featured as a weight loss success story in Shape magazine.

Why, especially now, am I falling back into bad eating habits? Why am I begging my classmates to go eat Mexican food with me after class on Tuesday nights? Why have I picked up a Pal’s sausage biscuit (460 calories, 30 grams of fat) at least one morning each week before my 8 a.m. class? And finally, why am I a student worker at the BCPA but not managing to work out even once in a week?

After contemplating my sudden backslide into bad habits, I called my boyfriend a couple of nights ago and told him that when he comes home from his Iraq training, I’m already going to be on the road to 190 pounds so he better just get used to it. He told me that he had faith that after gaining back 5 pounds I’d work to lose it before it got too out of control. I told him to bring me some cookie dough on his way home from the armory in a couple of weeks.

I’ve spent the last few days trying to come to terms with why I’m craving the foods that got me to 190 pounds so many years ago. I can’t know for certain why I’m downstairs in the kitchen eating cookie dough at 2 a.m. but I can tell you this: This has been one of the hardest semesters of my life.

Not only is it my last semester of undergrad but I’m working three jobs and an internship on top of 15 hours of class and trying to emotionally prepare myself for the day this May that my boyfriend deploys to Iraq. Add in some stressful bills and impending student loan repayment and you’ve got yourself a big enough ball of stress to cause anyone to be seeking comfort from 1,800 calories of raw, delicious chocolate chip cookies.

In truth, despite my recently renewed love affair with fast food and chocolate, I actually haven’t gained back any of the 65 pounds that I worked so hard to lose over the span of a year and a half.

Miraculously, 3,600 calories of cookie dough later I’m still 125 pounds. I’m hoping that being aware of the bad eating habits that I’m forming again will help me to curve my constant cravings for chimichangas (700 calories, 36 grams of fat) and Big Macs (540 calories, 29 grams of fat).

I know that at my heaviest weight, I used food for comfort. And now at my smallest weight, during one of the most stressful periods of my life, I’m yet again turning to food for comfort.

I could do an Internet search for statistics on keeping off the weight and how to stick to a diet, feed you a bunch of lines about keeping food journals and finding a support system but here’s the honest truth: You and you alone are the only one who can change your life. You are also the only one who can sabotage yourself.

If you’ve tried to lose weight, lost that initial 10 pounds and then found yourself at McDonald’s mere moments after celebrating on the scale, you’re human. You’re just like the rest of us and you’re just like me.

Weight loss and living a healthy lifestyle is a battle for everyone. For people who are overweight or who used to be overweight, it’s an even harder battle. Actually, it’s an all-out war.

Before losing 65 pounds I had tried several times to lose weight and had only made it 10 pounds before giving up, giving in and ultimately chowing down on a Zaxby’s chicken finger plate with barbecue sauce (1,260 calories, 72 grams of fat). Somehow, this last time, I succeeded and for a year now I’ve lived blissfully in a world where I’m the skinniest I’ve ever been and a fast food hamburger is a rare treat instead of a daily staple.

I thought that I would never have to deal with resurfaced food cravings but I was wrong. I recognize now that I’m only a year into maintaining my weight loss and I’ve still got many years to go.

After the past few months that I’ve had, I now know that when things get tough, I’m going to want to turn to cookie dough. It may have taken me two packages in one week to realize it but I understand now why I turn to food that is bad (but delicious) for me.

No matter where you are in your weight loss or weight maintenance journey, know that this is an uphill battle. It isn’t going to be easy. No one said it would be.

However, the success and health benefits that you’ll be rewarded with for the rest of your life will be worth it. Keep fighting.

Keep working hard. And no matter what you do, just put down the cookie dough.

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