Q: My Valentine’s Day gift sucks! What do I do?
Seeing Red on V-DayA: As painful and pointless as Valentine’s Day may be, its effects sadly do not end the second the clock strikes midnight (I know many of you would like that cruel excuse for a holiday to disappear altogether).
How you treat others on Valentine’s Day will be remembered for the rest of the year.
A lot of people make Valentine’s Day out to be something that it really is not.
While it would certainly make sense to treat your significant other well every day of the year, it seems that Valentine’s Day becomes a gigantic microscope on your relationship.
If everything doesn’t fulfill one (or both) people’s unrealistic expectations, you assume that something must be wrong with your relationship. This places undue stress on both people to come up with the perfect gift, the perfect date – the gift that is so thoughtful and meaningful (and, of course, expensive) that it proves your undying love.
There’s only one problem. The candy, flower and greeting card industries have brainwashed us all into thinking that what will prove your undying love (especially to a woman) on Valentine’s Day is a generic, mushy card, a box of chocolates and maybe a giant stuffed gorilla holding a bouquet of roses.
I’m going to take a guess and bet that your gift “sucks” because it was either a) not thoughtful b) not a card/chocolate/roses or c) in poor taste.
Lucky for you I have practical uses for all those gifts nobody wants anyway.
Roses: It has always seemed strange to me that the classic token of undying affection withers and dies within a few days. Preserve them forever (that is, if you want to remember the giver) by tying them together and hanging them upside down. Later, you can display them in a shadow box. What’s better than cheap art?
Valentine’s card: You could just keep them all, and when you look back at them 20 years from now, you will realize that they’re all the same. Why bother when you can also make cool (and cheap) art from old Valentine’s Day cards.
Cut the cover of the cards into little squares and arrange the different color squares into a picture of your choosing. Voila!
Chocolate: I’m not going to lie to you. There’s nothing better to do with chocolate than eat it, so enjoy.
Giant stuffed gorilla: This one is a bit trickier. You could always use the stupid thing as a pillow, but if anyone sees you drooling onto a giant red monkey, your reputation could be down the drain.
A better use is this: cut a hole into the side of the stuffed animal. Remove the stuffing. Remove the head, taking out the stuffing and eyes. Cut off the arms and legs. Now you either have a serious psychological problem or a really interesting Halloween costume.
Or possibly a clever disguise if you are ever being attacked by a real gorilla.
Wal-Mart lingerie: Nothing says “I care” like the Wal-Mart special. If someone actually bought you something in such bad taste, you should probably dump him immediately.
Don’t throw it away, though. It could come in handy. If you ever need a good gag gift, disgusting lingerie is always a great idea.
Also, if you know a guy who has a really annoying girlfriend, you could always plant it in his room for her to find the next time she comes over.
I think that pretty much covers all the clich Valentine’s Day gifts you could have received. If you got something that obviously took about five seconds to make, don’t be so quick to judge.
Was this an isolated incident or does your boyfriend (or girlfriend) really never show any consideration for you?
You deserve someone who will be kind to you, but don’t expect them to perform superhuman feats of adoration.
Maybe next Valentine’s Day (if there is a next Valentine’s Day), you could make a not-so-subtle suggestion about exactly what you want.
Questions? Comments? Send your emails to et_enchilada@yahoo.com.

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