It’s not even October yet, and I feel ready for a vacation. The last week of September, without fail, serves up the exams that your professors claim not to conspire to give their students all at once.
Of course, my choice for an extended trip would be a pan-European, two-month odyssey. The popularity and feasibility of a summer backpacking in Europe has grown exponentially, but it’s just a recurring trend. In the 17th and 18th centuries, the British aristocracy sent their young men – eventually, their young (chaperoned) women – to the Continent for a Grand Tour, setting up the well-worn tradition of going to Europe to be “cultured”.
While preparing to write this article, I read a report on MSN.com about Business for Diplomatic Action, an organization whose purpose is to dispel the larger-than-life myth of the Ugly American. You know him or her. The loud, English-language-only whiner dressed in very white sneakers, carrying too much luggage. Footwear aside, he or she happens to have an arrogant or demeaning attitude.
It’s too easy for me to harp about the basic comportment that makes any American look ugly abroad. But I think, in “My Name Is Earl” list format, it’s best to examine one of the subtler methods for younger, less commerce-minded American travelers to blend in, and heighten their enjoyment in Europe.
No. 102: Put away baser ideas about the interactions between men and women.
(I have to admit I write out of frustration – right now I can’t get a date in Johnson City. At the risk of waxing nostalgic, in Holland it was simply too easy to find men of an appropriate age, height and intelligence, eager to talk to me. I wouldn’t have taken them up on anything – or wanted to – but they were there. I find that I’m having to re-adjust to the much more ritualized methods of courtship, the “Rules”.)
Men and women simply relate differently in the Euro-pean countries. According to Geert Hofstede’s “Culture’s Consequences,” in much of Europe the divide between the genders is not as chasm-like as it is in the States, with fewer boundaries between gender roles – the key to all the advice I’m about to give you.
For women travelers: don’t be afraid of a man buying you a drink. This goes for most places in Europe. The Dutch are known for being fairly egalitarian. Where do you think the term “going Dutch” came from? A guy will buy you a drink if he thinks you’re attractive and wants to talk to you. There’s no use being timid when you travel – the stress of “protecting” yourself will suck the enjoyment right out of your experience.
He won’t try to grope you as soon as you down the drink, and he won’t press the issue if it’s apparent you’re looking for your friends or the door. He’ll cut his losses and leave you alone. I was amazed at the first time this happened to me. Also, I was never grabbed at a club or a bar. Strike that – I was grabbed once, and it was only my arm.
On the other hand, don’t think a bit of flirting is going to go anywhere. Some signs of affection or considerate acts are just between friends. The guy who carried me up a flight of stairs when I was too incapacitated to do it myself, or the one who rode his bike five kilometers and back before our train left to get the cell phone I’d forgotten – they were just friends. Moving farther south to the Mediterranean countries, this changes somewhat, but generally men and women are more casual, less ritualized in their everyday relating. There’s not so much meaning to every act.
For the men sojourning, these matters are simpler. Don’t be intimidated by European women. They are no more sophisticated than American women. They might expect more of you (a Dutchwoman might tell you that your living room is a mess and that you ought to clean it – on the first date), and they probably are much more assertive than what you’re used to, but it’s a matter of practice.
Men carry themselves a lot more . stylishly. It’s not de rigueur or attractive to look like a bum no matter what price you pay for those torn, distressed jeans. My boyfriend at the time and I nearly got into a row over the accessory that I call a messenger bag, and that he called a ‘manpurse.’ For a European man to really care about how he looks -using hair products, choosing well the fit of his clothes – isn’t unusual, and his sexual orientation isn’t brought into debate.
It’s difficult not to sound like a wizened woman who can’t get a date, who says, “If only people acted like this in the States .” However, in the midst of saving you a bit of trouble, and perhaps getting you a bit of fun on your next Eurotrip, I do miss the simplicity of not playing games, of seeing men not as Martians or as marionettes playing a certain socially acceptable role, but as normal people. On second thought, I’ve been back long enough to know exactly how ridiculous that sounds here in the States.

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