Most underpants are made as a protection from frostbite, blue jeans and skintight vinyl trousers. Who knew that in the 1970s anyone would manufacture edible pairs of underwear for mass consumption?
If anyone knows a thing about sexy, it’s the students of ETSU. What with learning about philosophy, biology, sociology, business and psychology among many other subjects, all that’s on their mind is “sexy.” This is bad news for our educators but better news for Kingman Industries – the makers of Edible Undies.
Consequently, students were fully prepared to indulge in the once in a lifetime experience of edible underpants. My goal of having the entire student body of ETSU devour an entire pair of edible panties failed to reach fruition. However, these wonderful people had something to say about the taste and texture of the sexy strawberry chocolate underthing.
“It has a sort of a fruit flavor but all you can taste is plastic,” said Chase Addison, freshman.
“I didn’t chew,” said Sylvia Whitman, a freshman. “I just let it dissolve, like those Listerine pocket packs.”
Ashley Johnson, a freshman, said, “It has a plastic, chemical taste. I can’t get the taste out of my mouth.”
Bad panty aftertaste doesn’t necessarily make for bad chicken sandwiches and waffle fries. Addison, Whitman and Johnson all concurred that their Chick-Fil-A lunch was much better than the edible underpant that they tasted.
Sophomore Pamela Okaru also found them to be “bitter with a nasty aftertaste,” and as far as the Marvin Gaye sexy meter is concerned, she said, “They would turn the mood off.”
“Very sweet. It tastes weird. Just like candy,” said Chau Nguyen, freshman.
“It stuck to my mouth,” said Vy Nguyen, a freshman. “Not very tasty. But I would wear them.”
Senior Austin Prater said, “It tastes like a roll of film.”
“That’s pretty friggin’ gross,” said Kim Deakins, painting major.
“Eeek!” A high-pitched scream is heard as I hold the underpants in front of junior Kelly Sheets.
Far from covered with inspiring messages for the youth of America like “Stay in School” or “Keep away from Guns,” the box features tips on how to obtain pleasure from your Edible Undies. “You can eat all of your Edible Undies garment and the candy tie strings as well – of course, the packaging materials are not edible,” explains the back of the box. Darn it. The box and the package were looking so yumlicious.
After instructing hungry users that the edible skivvies are a “novelty item only” and have “no more practicality than an all-day sucker,” the box suggests that strawberry chocolate flavored underwear is “ideal for: Mid-Nite Snacks, Quickie Lunches, TV Dinners, Champagne Suppers, Sunday Brunch, Pool & Jacuzzi Parties, Evening Hors D’oeuvres.”
Freshman Michael Chambers found the underpants to be far from sexified. “It’s like eating paper,” he said. I concluded from his statement that he wouldn’t be running to the store to buy himself any pina-colada-with-rum flavored jockeys for men anytime soon.
Students, if you learn anything from your secondary education, learn this … contrary to what you’ve been told, edible underpants are no cure for feeling dirty.
Astute junior Keila Bredehoeft had to learn the hard way. “It tastes a bit like toothpaste, but my mouth feels distinctly dirtier,” she said, the disappointment welling in her eyes.
“This is the grossest thing that was ever invented,” said sophomore Kevin Cox before having tasted a piece of the strawberry-chocolate undergarment with his name written all over it. After having had a bite, he said, “That is the grossest thing that I’ve ever tasted. Whoever invented Edible Undies must have been on crack or very hungry!”
Perhaps the inventor of the see-through pink plastic edible under-thing did smoke crack-cocaine. That is undetermined.
What is evident however, is the effect that Edible Undies have on people. I guess you could say that the underpants, you know, bring people together. Together, they rally in abhorrence to the consumption of such a naughty novelty item.
Men, women and children unite, and turn away things such as Edible Undies just as they would bad ’80s porn, crotchless undergarments, chicken giblets and other things that are in the words of art student Kim Deakins, “friggin’ gross.”
Had some delectable undies and need another fix? Order them in bulk from Granny Wouldn’t Approve at Grannywouldnt.com.

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