Dear Answer Girl,
I want a really cool nickname, so when people call my name at a party, they will say, “Hey, there is that guy with the cool nickname. I think I will go talk to him.” Do you have any ideas for a cool nickname for me?
–Nameless NickI think you may have missed out on a critical developmental phase or two during your journey toward adulthood.
I only say this because if you had matured normally, you would know rule No. 1 about nicknames, which is as follows: A nickname, for it to be meaningful, effective, catchy and “cool,” must be bestowed upon the recipient in an unsolicited manner.
Furthermore, this nickname bestowing must stem directly from a memorable event, comment or action in which the recipient played a major part.
Since the only thing memorable that you and I have shared is your somewhat silly question, I’d have to call you something silly question-ish, which I don’t think would get you very much positive attention at this infamous party that you are expecting to attend.
Also, since you have asked me specifically to provide a nickname for you, anything I gave would be fraudulent and false under the first part of rule No. 1, above.
One way to get around these stifling social strictures is to invent your own nickname in the quiet solitude of your own room (or in the empty bathroom if you live with a roommate) and then find new friends and let them know, rather subtly, that your friends call you [fill in the blank with your cool nickname here].
If you are crafty enough in your approach, and your nickname is witty or funny or self-deprecating enough, then your plot will succeed and all of your new friends will call you by your nickname. Your old friends probably never will, no matter how hard they try or how many times you insist.
The only solution here is to cut all ties with your old friends. Can’t have them going around calling you by your name, now can we?
They may even admit to your new nickname-calling friends that you must have made up your nickname because they have always known you as boring old John or Bobby, whatever.
And we all know that there’s no better way to lose a nickname (or about 1,000 cool points) than to leak the secret that you made it up yourself. It’s kind of like getting caught calling your own phone so you’ll have a flashing light on your answering machine later or sending yourself an anonymous gift.
Yup, it’s great while it lasts, but once someone finds out, you’ll never be that cool guy at the party, no matter how hard you try.
So, all in all, my suggestion is this: Either go ahead and make up your nickname, but be sure to make up a somewhat plausible and wholly air-tight story to accompany it, or make a valiant attempt at doing more embarrassing things so that your friends will come up nickname you rather authentically.
Or you could just stop worrying about it.
Whatever.

Dear Answer Girl,
Is there a limit on how many wishes you can make on a star? Can you keep looking up and making a wish every time, or are you only allowed one per night?
Stargazer

Okay, here’s the lowdown on stars and wishes. First of all, you can only wish on the first star of the night.
That does not mean the first star that you happen to see when you stumble out of The Planet at 2:45 in the morning. It means the very first star that anyone could see.
Of course, since it is always nighttime somewhere in the world, and therefore there is technically no time in which a “first” star appears, this refers to the first visible star in your area.
So, if you were in a crowd of twenty people and you were all staring at the sky at dusk (which would look exceedingly peculiar and just a bit foolish, by the way), the first star that anyone could see would be the star to wish upon. The thing is, only the person that sees it can wish on it, so you really wouldn’t want to invite twenty people to your star wishing party.
Okay, so you stood outside at dusk, there are no clouds in the sky, and oh, look, you just found “star light, star bright, first star I see tonight.”
So now what? Well, you should “wish I may, wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight.” Or maybe not. Because if you say this, you have already used up your wish by wishing that you’ll get your wish, which you haven’t even wished yet. And just for good measure, you actually wished to get your wish twice, which cancels out both of them and leaves you yammering on at the sky with no hope of having your real wish fulfilled.
So, as far as the number of wishes per star – definitely just one, and you have to be sure not to use up your one on something stupid, like a cutesy little rhyme.
Ever wondered why your wishes on stars haven’t come true before? Well, it’s because you were at least thinking that little rhyme, even if you weren’t saying it, and that nixes your wish before you even wish it.
How do you properly wish upon that elusive first star of the night then? Well, that’s easy. Just see the star and say your wish. Really loudly. Just blurt it out, actually. No need to say anything like, “I am wishing that…” or “My wish tonight is…” Just give the wish, and the louder, the better.
An example of a wish appropriately performed is as follows: “A bigger chest!” or, in the event of a male wisher, “A super hot girlfriend!” Your wish should clearly echo. Did I mention that?
The wish granters are really impressed by determination and passion, as evidenced by the decibel level of the wish. Creativity does not count.
So now, armed as usual with newfound information of the highest quality, you can ensure a greater rate of success with your star wishing than you have ever enjoyed before. Good luck.

Got a question for the Answer Girl? E-mail her at ETSUAnswerGirl@hotmail.com and look for her answer in a future issue of the East Tennessean.

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