Nice guys really do finish last, don’t they?
Let me tell you a story: Once upon a time there was a nice guy. This nice guy was no ordinary nice guy; he was an extremely nice guy.
The guy was so nice that every grandma in his neighborhood claimed him as her own and as he walked down the street to receive their home-baked delights, magical cartoon flowers floated out of his posterior.
Seriously folks, this guy was nice.
Unfortunately, the nice guy had a not so nice problem. He had no nice girl with whom to share his niceness.
No matter what he did, women ignored him romantically. Sure, miracles occasionally occurred, and the nice guy actually got a date, but he never got a second one. He just didn’t know how to keep women attracted to him.
As you can imagine, this was quite disheartening for the nice guy. Finally, he decided to give up altogether and become a monk.
However, when the nice guy went to the bookstore to purchase Being a Monk for Dummies, he found something entirely different. There on the shelf, shining like the Holy Grail among the heathen was The Nice Guys’ Guide to Getting Girls: You CAN be a Nice Guy & STILL Attract Women. The nice guy quickly snatched up the relic before fate tried to take it back and left the store decidedly “un”-monkish.
Hope was restored for the nice guy. He read the book three times and mastered all of the nice guy techniques mentioned therein.
He hit the party scene like a seasoned veteran and drew the ladies like a carcass draws flies, leaving the club with three lovely young lasses under his nice guy arms.
I bet you can guess what happened next. The nice guy returned to the club the next night, and the next, and the next, each time leaving with a new group of prospective mates.
Yes, our nice guy hero had become a nice guy gigolo. He did what the book suggested and immediately gained a reputation as being a “lady-pleaser.”
The nice guy had all he ever wanted: popularity, self-confidence and an unlimited supply of women.
Sadly, the nice guy contracted a STD and died. The End.
Isn’t that a sad tale? Kind of like a guy dying of thirst finding a well of poisoned water, huh?
The story isn’t true, of course, but it does paint a picture that a lot of “nice guys” find shockingly familiar. There are just too many men out there who haven’t a clue what they’re doing when it comes to attracting women (myself included).
So naturally, I jumped at the chance to review The Nice Guys’ Guide to Getting Girls, the only element of truth in the pit of festering lies above.
I hoped I could help not only myself, but also all those other guys who just can’t seem to get ahead in the dating game. Anything could help, right?
Right, if I want to be Deuce Bigalow.
But before I get to the point where I slam this book like Shaq slams a basketball, let me tell you a little bit about it. Written by “The Nice Guys’ Institute” (not a cult, although it sounds like one), this 140-page book is the sequel to Make Every Girl Want You.
The main voice for the Nice Guys is John Fate, a self-proclaimed nice guy who never had any luck with women until he was out of college.
Since he was clueless about what he was doing wrong, he and a friend who shared his fate decided to merely befriend women, in hopes of getting to know them and finding out what they want in a man.
In a few months, they had dozens of female friends. Every week, they went out with a group of women and “observed them.” As creepy as this sounds, it was actually quite enlightening.
Fate saw countless men try to hit on his female friends and he took note of what worked and what didn’t. He then used these observations to piece together theories on attracting women.
Fate also mentions observing a friend named Oscar who never had any problems with women. The way Fate describes Oscar makes him seem more mythical creature than normal nice guy, but whatever. I guess we all need something to aspire to.
Anyway, that’s the premise for the book. It’s comprised of eight chapters complete with a disclaimer indicating that the techniques in the book are not simply ways to get sex. However, later in the same paragraph, the disclaimer urges readers to “practice safe sex and use contraceptives.”
Interestingly, in the last paragraph of the disclaimer, the “authors and Ajackal Publishing shall have neither liability nor responsibility to any person or entity with respect to any loss or damage caused (including but not limited to emotional damage), or alleged to have been caused, directly or indirectly, by the information contained in this book.”
After reading the disclaimer before reading this book, I thought, “Whoa! There must be some crazy powerful stuff in this book to have a disclaimer like that!” After reading this book, I thought, “Whoa! I can’t believe that disclaimer wasn’t longer and more comprehensive! They really need to cover their tails!”
Before I go any further, understand this: The material covered in this book is of an adult nature. Do not let it fall into the hands of your younger sisters or brothers, or your children, unless you are looking for an extremely awkward conversation. That said, watch out Shaq ’cause I’m going to the bucket.
As I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, I didn’t like this book.
You know why? I have several reasons. One of the biggest is Mr. Fate’s stereotypical view of women. The basis for the nice guy theory is the belief that the only kinds of men that women want are those who are rich, famous or good-looking.
Okay ladies, raise your hands if you’re that shallow. Yeah, I didn’t think so. Sure, there are exceptions to the rule, but the majority of the women I know are kind, wonderful people who certainly won’t ignore someone who isn’t rich, famous or good-looking. To me, describing all women as such is degrading and foolish.
Fate’s theories on what women want in a man lead him to believe that nice guys need to do all they can to make women want them.
In chapter seven of the book, he stresses how important it is for a nice guy to be able to … do certain things in the bedroom. I won’t go into great detail, but he certainly does. In fact, he describes a certain technique so fully that you’d think he’s an expert on the matter. Maybe he is, and I believe he wants nice guys to be experts too.
Frankly, this is just stupid. He makes women out to be dim-witted sex mongers and makes no apologies. He maintains that mastering the technique he describes will make a woman “… want you in her bed every night – and day! – of the year …”
Honestly, if I’m going to have to prostitute myself to get women, I think I’d rather be single.
As you can see, Fate’s perspective is somewhat limited. Sure, Fate is always talking to a new woman, which proves that his method is effective in the short-term, but what about the long-term?
Bluntly put, if you’re a nice guy looking for a meaningful relationship with someone special, don’t waste your time with this book. It’s a stereotypical, immature, irrational romp through the dating world that has merit only if you live in a harem. Couple these hideous truths with Fate’s constant references to the Nice Guys web site and the other Nice Guys books, and you’ve got a book that’s not even fun to read.
The chapters dealing with conversation and body language were interesting, but if you need help with the intricacies of human interaction, just watch Dr. Phil or something. Even the chapters dealing with places to meet women are tainted with Fate’s flawed ideology.
Maybe Make Every Woman Want You, as chauvinistic as it sounds, is more interesting and insightful.
Oh well. Nice guys always finish last, remember? We can’t even get a decent book written about us.

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