There are a great many things in this world that bring me pleasure. Call me lustful in my ways, but I have trouble turning down Sunday brunch at Caf One Eleven, books from the free bin at Mr. K’s Used Books and CDs and American Idol. Although I have weaknesses, there exists in me a reservoir of self-dignity. I refuse to wear what you would call the devil’s panties (solid red briefs). I only indulge in the polka-dotted selections that happen to be on sale. It is my recognition of the things, like polka-dotted underpants, that bring me pleasure that has caused me to make a swanky new addition to the list of slang terms I use quite often.

In the evolution of my speech as a young adult, I have begun to use phrases that strongly express my feelings in such a way as no four-letter word ever could. Such phrases in particular may express common human emotions such as joy, confusion, anger and reactions to change in temperature.

While standing outside waiting for Contemporary Art to begin, I may remark to my friend, “It’s colder than a mug.” He may nod in agreement. One can perform any action “like a mug,” or describe anything as being “(something + er) than a mug.” The phrase here translates into “a lot.”

Upon seeing a puppy dog with big black eyes, I may exclaim, “That dog’s so pretty it looks like it’s been dipped in pretty sauce!” which is another way to express my happiness at the sight of a baby dog without shedding a tear. Remarking that something appears to have been dipped in pretty sauce, is as strong a statement as, “Did you see Christina Aguilera at the Grammys last night? She looked like she’d been beaten with an ugly stick.”

So, for example, when I bluntly use the phrase “I wanna have Yo Yo Ma’s babies,” it simply means that I really enjoyed the album that he put out with Bobby McFerrin and I think that it was quite excellent.

I’m not quite sure about the childbirth part. The water-breaking and the labor and the having a baby in your stomach-thing would be pretty intense. But, I think I could make a statement such as that about giving birth to Yo Yo Ma’s offspring even though I would never, in reality, pop out his babies.

Age, sex, race, religious affiliation, disability, veteran status, sexual orientation and whether or not something is human are irrelevant in wanting to have their babies. Therefore, it is very much possible to say that one would like to have the babies of a woman if they themselves are a woman.

It is with great pride then, that I say that I want to have Eve Ensler’s babies. I also want to have the babies of everyone that was involved in the ETSU campus production of the play last year. Ensler is the Obie Award-winning playwright of the Vagina Monologues that initiated V-day, a global movement to stop violence against women.

The New York Times described the monologue best when it said, “The monologues are part of Eve Ensler’s crusade to wipe out the shame and embarrassment that many women still associate with their bodies or their sexuality. They are both a celebration of women’s sexuality and a condemnation of its violation.

I admire Ensler for calling attention to the frequent occurrence of violence against women, letting so many women have a voice and tell their story, and for doing it in such a way that the stories reach so many people, young or old, male or female.

Maybe it’s that gap in his teeth that you could park a Camaro in. It could be his curly locks or that unassuming smile, or that wink he’s given me over and over through the years, or the aforementioned smile. Whatever it is, I will go through days of labor to have David Letterman’s babies. What a “cheeky monkey” he is. Funny man equals funny face and funny glances from me on the other side of the late-night television screen.

Aside from raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, I want to have Jeff Goldblum’s babies. I’m sure that in real life his overbite would just make me pass out. The man is amazing on film, and though I have yet to see him in Earth Girls are Easy, I definitely plan on it. The intelligent character he played had it all figured out in Jurassic Park, but no one was havin’ his “let’s not mess with Mother Nature” mumbo-jumbo. They paid dearly for it in the end. I would like to have this actor’s babies, but he will probably never know how much I appreciate his contributions to the film industry. He’s a very busy dude. Besides being the slice of buttered bread that he is, Goldblum also plays piano around Los Angeles in a jazz band. Jazzy Jeff? Sounds like music to my ears.

Speaking of a few of my favorite things, I’ll have to pass on the crisp apple strudel, but would love to have LL Cool J in a brown paper package tied up with string. After seeing Cool James front row in concert at a music festival and having been a fan of his earlier albums, I badly want to have his babies. It is after having seen him almost completely remove his Adidas jumpsuit on stage and cheesily throw out roses and one dollar bills into a crowd of screaming males and females that I have an added ounce of respect for the lip-licking performer whose full working title is “Ladies Love Cool James.” While performing his 80’s ballad “I Need Love,” he even stole a glance at me in the audience. I unconsciously licked my lips at him and later on, ended up touching his pinky finger as he ran out into a crowd of screaming fans.

There are a lot of babies to be had, but most of all, I want to have your babies. You seem, in the words of the French, “suprcool,” and I would like to get to know you better.

What do you think?

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