I love going to the movies.
I’m a film buff and, in my opinion, there’s no better way to enjoy a good movie than on the big screen. I know, that doesn’t work for porn or Olsen twins films, but generally speaking, in a theater is the way to watch movies.
Over the years, I’ve become something of an expert when it comes to movie theaters – where to sit for which kind of films, what to eat during certain genre flicks and of course, how not to annoy the holy living crap out of everyone around me.
However, it seems not everyone got the memo on theater etiquette so I’ll sum up some of the most insanely obnoxious things a person can do at the movies. Maybe this will keep some of you from getting smacked the next time you’re out.
First and foremost, keep your trap shut.
No one, and I do mean no one, wants to hear your opinion of the movie, the popcorn or the lead actress’s breasts.
Okay, maybe your geeky friend wants to hear about the breasts but no one else does. This also goes for exclamations about dropped food and drink. Yes, the person in front of you will probably like to know if you spilled something on her, but a person across the theater from you will not, so whisper, don’t shout.
Also, keep in mind that theater patrons do not care if you dropped your Milk Duds. In fact, they probably have no interest in your Milk Duds whatsoever, so try not to yell obscene comments just because you lack digit dexterity. And if you must talk, and by this I mean to a person, not yourself or God (in which cases you shouldn’t in public), do it quietly. Lean towards them and whisper whatever it is that you desperately need to say at that exact moment.
Secondly, do NOT bring children to movies not made for them. Finding Nemo – good. The Passion of the Christ – bad.
If the child is too young to require a ticket, they are far too young to be in a movie theater. If they’re too young to read, for the love of Pete, don’t take them to a film with subtitles. You will be forced to read the subtitles to them, thus breaking the cardinal rule of theater going. I often hear parents defend themselves by saying that they have to take their young children to the movies with them. Why? That’s what babysitters are for. If you can’t afford a babysitter for a few hours, you really can’t afford a child so perhaps you need to rethink your birth control method.
If you just can’t find a babysitter, wait until another day when you can find one, I promise that if it’s a good film, it will still be playing and if it’s not, well why would you want to waste the money to see it?
Above all else, when it comes to kids and movies, if they aren’t quiet, they are breaking Rule Number One and thus the parents are too. No one blames the baby for crying, but I guarantee there will be no love from fellow patrons if the child continues screeching through Jesus’ abduction (yeah, back to The Passion of the Christ, I saw it last week and thus this column was born.)
If for whatever reason you do take your young child to the movies and he or she begins to get loud, leave. Yeah, it sucks to lose seven bucks but it’s better than being pelted with popcorn and Whoppers.
Don’t take up more than your fair share of the seat/armrest.
If you do, you suck.
It’s bad enough to be packed into a theater like sardines, but to have some random slob touching your arm or leg is the ultimate yuck.
Have consideration. If you can, sit at least two seats away from people not in your party unless the movie is sold out. If you do find yourself squashed next to someone, keep your hands in you lap. It may not be the most comfy thing in the world but it keeps touching to a minimum and everyone appreciates that.
And, if you find yourself too large to fit into a seat with the armrests down, you might want to think about Blockbuster and the Zone. In a country where obesity runs rampant, having to share your seat with half of someone else’s rear is not uncommon, but it’s also not fun. So, if you have more cushion for the pushin’ and you only paid for one seat, please, suck it in or stay at home.
Turn off the damn phone! The last thing I want to hear in the middle of a dramatic moment is pop music blaring from your phone. I don’t care who you are, turn it off. If you’re expecting someone important to call you, have the decency to put the phone on vibrate and if they do call, don’t answer it in the theater. Get up, walk out, push talk and then speak. No one is so important that you can’t call back or ignore him or her for a couple of hours.
Guess what – garbage cans were invented for a reason.
Yes, they have people to clean the theaters after you leave, but they don’t get paid enough to pick up your drink cup just because you’re too lazy. This works for candy wrappers, popcorn bags and anything else you felt the need to throw on the floor in the preceding hours. It takes half a second to lean over and pick up your trash. Besides, the less crap on the floor, the less crap you end up with on your shoes.
So, remember folks, be considerate when you go to the theater. No one wants to hear you or your kid, touch you or pick up after you. People pay too much as it is to see movies, don’t ruin it for them by being a jackass.

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