When I first saw him, I thought he was a crazy drunk.
I suppose he could have been – he certainly looked the part. Worn, dirty clothes, unkempt hair and untrimmed beard, the “Watch out – I’m crrrrazy!” look in his eyes. Yes, I’d say he fit the stereotype fairly well.
Except that he had another problem.
For those of you who don’t know (and I’d imagine that would be most of you), I am luckily employed at a local British Petroleum.
That’s a BP gas station, for those of you who are “uninformed.”
Anyway, I say luckily because in the current economic situation, anyone who has a job can consider themselves lucky.
And as a stoic gas station clerk, I bravely serve you and others like you day in and day out. I consider it my personal responsibility to make sure that your stop to refuel is both memorable and enjoyable.
In fact, we gas station clerks have a motto that somewhat embodies our job and defines us as individuals. Every day, we say to ourselves, “Be all that you can be.”
Okay, so maybe that’s the Army’s motto, but what does it matter? I mean look at me folks, I’m a gas station clerk. It’s a fine job and all, but I’ve got to romanticize it somehow. Throw me a friggin’ bone here, people!
So I work at a gas station. Great, you say, but what does that have to do with crazy drunks?
Why, everything in the world. Crazy drunks are one of our chief demographics. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that one out of every five customers is a crazy drunk.
They come in all squiggly-eyed and shamble back to the cooler, mumbling crazy-speak while accusing me of stealing their horses.
But that’s an entirely different story. You want to know about the gentleman at the beginning of the story.
Like I said before, I thought he was “Mr. One-out-of-five,” a crazy drunk to the core. He had pumped some gas and was speed shambling to the door.
“Hello!” I sang out as he entered. He didn’t seem to notice. He set his eyes on me and staggered up to the counter.
“Is that all for you sir?” I asked, and stuck out my hand to receive the money he held.
He didn’t hand it over. Instead, he quickly remarked, “‘Ye know what ‘der doin’ up n’ath?”
I responded smartly. I had anticipated his crazy drunkenness. “What would that be, sir?” I continued to hold out my hand.
“‘Dey done stole five tankers of gas,” he said angrily. He was somewhat disgruntled.
“Is that right?” I asked warmly.
“Yeah!” he shouted, “‘dees gas prices are ridicules! They’s t’ared of it! T’ared of it!”
I stared at him dumbly.
“‘Ye understand me, boy? They’s t’ared of it! T’ared of it!”
I smiled as I casually slid my hand towards the panic button. A scene was playing out in my mind which I did not like at all.
I pictured the man whipping out a gun and screaming, “Gimme’ your tank’ee gas! I’m t’ared of it, ye’ hear? T’ared of it!”
After a few moments of awkward silence, the man abruptly handed over the money and walked away. He paused once at the door to say, “T’ared of it!” again while glaring at me menacingly, and then he left.
Amazingly, the sharp increase in gas prices (and perhaps a bit of strong drink) had driven this man to blind rage and terribly slurred speech. I began to wonder, if high gas prices have this effect on an average crazy drunk, then how are they affecting ETSU students.
“It’s harder because gas is so high and I can’t go nearly as far or do nearly as much on a tank of gas as I could when it was cheaper,” said April Light, ETSU student and an employee at a gas station.
It would seem many students share her problem. According to the Energy Information Admin-istration, gas prices usually increase by 5-6 cents from January to the summer. However, the increase this year is already past the 20-cent mark and is expected to reach 50 cents by July.
ETSU commuters and Bucs’ sports fans traveling to away games should feel the strain on their budgets and perhaps seek relief in November at the polls.
While gasoline only accounts for 16 percent of the energy used in the U.S., over 160,000 gas stations nationwide receive fuel through a huge distribution process. Gas prices reflect the costs of delivery, processing, marketing and local taxes.
Light knows that the customers going through her store are unhappy to be paying more for less. “It seems like you see the same people day after day getting gas,” she said, “because what they get doesn’t go very far.”
What can you do to save money? Well, you can walk, ride a bike or make full use of public transportation. Another good idea is carpooling with your friends. Or with complete strangers if you’re brave.
Of course, you can always look up that crazy drunk and, “steal’ee a tanker of gas like ‘dey doin’ up n’ath.” Consider it: living wild and free, holed up in the mountains of Appalachia with your ever-present companion crazy drunk shouting at you in slurred sentences.
Or not. Sounds too much like a Fox reality TV show anyway, doesn’t it?

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