I predict there will be higher-than-usual pregnancy and STD rates on campus within the next few months.
No, I don’t think more people are having sex lately. I’m not even saying people are having more than usual, but if condoms are ETSU students’ number one form of protection, (which I suspect they are) then my guess is the Health Clinic is about to get busy – so to speak.
I’m not psychic and I’m certainly no “Sexpert,” but I do know a few things about birth control and I saw something Wednesday that made me cringe.
OK, I cringed and laughed at the same time.
I went to Wellapalooza after my morning French class with a few friends and we happened upon a few tables where people were giving out condoms. The message the people were sending is a good one: if you’re going to have sex, have safe sex.
However, leaving condoms out in the hot sun is not such a bright idea.
Condoms, at least the ones given out at the tables, are made of latex. Latex corrodes under intense heat. The sun produces intense heat. Corroded condoms lead to “accidents,” and generally, those lead to children and STDs – which, goes without saying, most people do not want. Well, at least I imagine so since people would be using condoms to begin with.
At first I was shocked and dismayed at the lack of common sense on the part of the workers, considering Wellapalooza is all about health and being safe, and then I saw something that made me crack up.
One of the condom tables (I guess they were really sexual health tables) had a bear full of condoms.
You know the plastic bears that animal cookies come in? It was one of those chock-full of Lifestyles condoms in little red packaging.
The container was sealed, there was no one watching the table and, to top it off, the bear was sweating.
Well, “the container was forming condensation” is perhaps a more scientific way of saying it.
The point is that on a day hot enough for most students to walk around in sandals and short sleeves, people at a wellness fair were leaving unattended condoms out in the sun. Not only were the condoms at risk from corrosion but also tampering.
It was a brilliant way to keep kids safe, folks.
I asked some not-too-friendly women at one table how they could hand out condoms that had been sitting in the heat all morning and I was told that they were swapping condoms between two boxes – one on the table and one under, in the shade.
I’m not exactly sure what good that did, shade or no, the condoms at some point were roasting in the sun and that’s just not cool, literally and philosophically speaking.
That was just one table and I never actually saw anyone switch anything between boxes.
I know for a fact that no one was doing anything with the bear’s condoms for as long as I was there.
Most table workers were so busy chatting with friends or passers-by that I probably could have run off with the whole kit-and-caboodle and no one would have been the wiser. I’m sure that would have been fine with the workers as they were giving them away for free, but it goes to show how little they were paying attention to the prophylactics.
I left Wellapalooza with a new key chain shaped like a wrench, courtesy of the traffic safety table and a sneaky suspicion that ETSU students don’t know enough about their plastics.
So, I say unto those of you who took handfuls of condoms from the smiling faces at Wellapalooza, be careful.
I suggest you go to the store and look into spending a few dollars on condoms that probably haven’t spent the better portion of a hot day in the sun.
I double this warning for those who got theirs from the plastic bear. That is unless you really have your heart set on getting the clap, in which case I say, knock yourself out. Writer’s note: On a note completely unrelated to this article, I am on a quest to find students and/or professors who are tattooed and/or pierced. This is for a story, not just my general amusement. So if you are a student or teacher who fits the requirements and are interested in being a part of my story, please write me at mohawktown@hotmail.com. Just give me your name, title (student/teacher) and a brief description of your tat or piercing, including its location and if applicable, size. Thanks.

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