In college, almost everyone does crack-cocaine.
Let me explain. Speaking metaphorically, college is like a great big candy store.
You, as a small sugar-craving child, walk through the giant glass doors and quickly realize how delicious life is.
Your nostrils flare as luscious scents waft in your general direction and your cabbage-patch eyes gleam while darting form shelf to shelf. Silently you mouth the names on the labels of each tantalizing candy jar.
“New Relationships” reads one jar on the top shelf. Inside are diminutive jelly beans of joy, represented by hundreds of flavors. You like some flavors more that others, but all diversify and enrich your life.
On the wooden counter sits a jar labeled “Life Lessons.” These sour-coated balls of character development are hard to take at first. Your eyes water at the thought of placing them in the corners of your mouth. However, persevere and you’ll be granted a reward sweeter than anything you’ve ever known.
In between jars entitled “Dorm Life” and “Buctainment” sits a jar labeled “New Skills.” Contained in the cylinder of goodness are slabs of precious dark chocolate. Somehow the mere texture of these beautiful bricks suggests extreme richness – so rich that one bar could energize your life for years to come.
Finally, your eyes fall upon a jar entitled “Opportunities.” Sweet squares of milk chocolate containing creamy caramel centers call your name as their aroma fills you with hope. The benefits of this life-changing treat are endless – and each scrumptious square will leave you longing for more. Tiny drops of saliva begin to form at the corners of your lips.
Amidst this promise land of candy shelves stands a kind old man singing about sunshine and dew. He looks your way and smiles, beckoning you to come and partake in his many goodies. The name sewn onto his shirt is “Education.”
Yet as you step forward, you hands outstretched, your mind focused on obtaining all that you desire, you hear a metaphorical, “Psss … Hey, kid!”
You look over your shoulder and see a middle-aged man who should definitely not be hanging out in a kids’ candy store. You find his black attire creepy but you go to him anyway, for his eyes stare into you very soul.
“Hey, kid,” he begins, “I know they got some good stuff in this store, but I think I’ve got one up on’em” He breaks into a belly laugh but quickly regains his composure. The umpa-lumpas in the corner are beginning to stare.
“A-anyway,” he says, “I think you should see what I have to offer.” He smiles devilishly, and opens his jacket.
Hanging from the insides of his coat are bags full of gleaming substances. You stare in awe as the man grasps one bag in his hand and thrusts it towards you, allowing you to more clearly read the label. “‘Skipping Class,'” you whisper.
“So how ’bout it, kid? You want some?”
Now do you understand? In college, almost everyone does crack-cocaine.
We could analyze the metaphor further and talk about whether or not you believe the man in black is you or your dog and then blame the umpa-lumpas for all the bed-wetting we’ve accomplished in our lives, but the main point is that when the time comes to choose candy or crack, most of us take crack.
Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Let’s not worry about whether it’s right or wrong. Let’s not even worry about making up excuses (I’m sure justify it to yourself enough. i.e. “I’m sleepy,” “I’m hungry,” “I smell bad,” “I’m a lazy bum,”).
What I want to do is help you do it more professionally. There’s a system to things, and you’ve got to figure it out.
Because if you play your cards right, you just might be able to get the candy and the crack.
First, realize there are different types of professors. Some have absolute attendances policies, where they subtract points from everyday you miss. These are the guys and gals you don’t want to mess with. Be a grown up and just go to class.
However there are professors who exemplify the polar opposite. They have no attendance policy.
That may sound like great news, but you need to be wary of them, too. If they have no attendance policy, then they either hate the world or they rely on the difficulty of their course material.
If you have the former, go ahead a skip as long as you can halfway cover the material. If you have the latter, go ahead and skip as long as you are absolutely sure you can cover all the material.
There are also professors who have a set amount of days you can miss. These classes are the best to skip – just miss the exact amount of days and don’t worry about it.
Second, skip sporadically – never consecutively. There’s nothing more annoying than the loser who comes to class after missing four days in a row and decides he wants you to tell him what he missed. Don’t be that loser!
Finally, spread your class-skipping out. Don’t just pick a day not to go to any of your classes. Skip one class on Tuesday and a different class on Thursday. This keeps you from getting bogged down with playing catch-up.
Remember, flunking a class is roughly equal to over-dosing on crack. If you O.D. on class-skipping, then your education is going to be the one foaming at the mouth.
Be cool about your education. Class-skipping may seem like fun (and it is) but skip like an amateur and you’ll be heading back home to beg off of mommy and daddy – but without any “But I’m a poor college student” counter-balance.
Instead, tell your parents that you only do hard coke “once in a while.”
Metaphorically speaking, of course.

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