It’s that time of year again.
New students are running around desperately looking for classrooms, overpriced textbooks are flying off the shelves and empty parking spaces are a thing of dreams.
When I began my university career here in 2002, I was ambitious enough to take an early morning British Literature class, and what do you know, I never had to search for a parking spot. After a semester of dragging myself to class, I decided that perhaps it was a wee bit too early for me and chose to start my days later the next semester. The first day of classes I drove to campus at 9:30 a.m. I didn’t get to my 9:45 class until 10:15. Needless to say I got a rude awakening … ETSU parking SUCKS!
What many of you apparently don’t know is that when parking is already this bad, you acting like a moron and parking like a 5-year-old testing the family station wagon doesn’t help matters much. How hard is it to pull into a parking spot straight? How hard is it to pull up to the curb rather than have your ass-end stick out five feet? Honestly, how hard is it to park a car that I assume you know how to drive?
I can understand being a little lazy and parking crooked at the end of the semester on a Friday in a back parking lot. However, the first week of school in the close lots on a Tuesday is not, I repeat, not the time to try out your diagonal parking skills. You will inevitably return to your car to find it dented, or perhaps just a nice note on the windshield with words the East Tennessean can’t print.
Everyone sees those cars that just aren’t quite in the space straight. Maybe one day when you’re running late it’s you. However, it’s annoying, it’s rude and it’s inconvenient to those of us who also have to get to class. My suggestion would be to take the extra five seconds and fix your parking job. If you’re running that late, I promise, it won’t make much of a difference.
So far this semester I have seen more bad parking jobs than I can recall. My favorite episode was obviously intentional. I don’t know who owns the monstrosity that passes for a truck, nor do I care. But really, do you need a truck that takes up four parking spaces? This isn’t a freaking military Hummer I’m talking about. It’s a big, ugly white thing that looks like it escaped from a monster truck rally.
Could you not bear to drive a little car, or I don’t know, a logical sized vehicle? Was the idea of showing up at school in less than the largest, most atrocious vehicle unappealing to you? Are you 12 feet tall? Yes, you park in the back lot and that’s wonderful, but your truck still takes an extra three spaces that other students should able to use.
I mean, come on now folks, we all get one parking sticker which means one parking space. You start driving well-kept Porches, Jaguars and Lamborghinis to school I’ll give you two spaces just so you can protect them from the swinging doors of other cars. But old dingy Hondas and Fords, folks, that’s pathetic.
If your car is being held together by its rust, you don’t need to protect it, you need to get rid of it. And if your car is too damn big for you to handle properly, buy a smaller car. And, if they forgot to teach you to park in Drivers Ed, learn.
Another point I’d like to make is that waiting until two minutes before class to find a parking space is not the most brilliant plan. Any time between 7 a.m. and oh, eternity, there are essentially no spots close to the buildings. Unless your class is at the crack of dawn on Friday, don’t expect to get a close spot and get to class on time. If you do manage this task, you are either psychic and know which lot to head to or you’re one of those jerks who cuts in front of people and swings into the spots others are waiting for. If you’re the former, congrats, share the love. If you’re the latter, I hope you rot slowly from the inside. Really there is no reason to add to the never-ending traffic, just accept that walking is good for you and park in B.F.E.
So, in closing, let us review what we have learned today.
Rule Number 1: Don’t take more than your fair share of parking spaces (that would be one, unless you drive a $100,000 car).
Rule Number 2: Don’t assume that because you’re late that you can ignore Rule Number 1. If you park badly, fix it.
Rule Number 3: Don’t wait until the last second to find a parking space. This is a bad idea unless running to class is your idea of a good time. Take into account Rule Number 2.
Please remember these basic parking rules folks. Commit them to memory, jot them down and hang them from your mirror, tattoo them on your forearm — whatever it takes.
Just don’t make me tell you again.

Author