It’s official – Martha Stewart is in the “big house.”
OK, it’s technically a minimum security facility aptly titled “Camp Cupcake,” I might add.
Do you think Martha requested she serve her five-month term in a facility nick-named after a baked good or was that just karma?
Personally, I think it’s just good taste, or should I say, “a good thing” that Martha is getting to work through her legal problems at such a place. Do you think she could hold up at Camp Pork and Beans, or horrors, Camp Polyester?
I shudder just thinking about it.
I don’t know about you, but I really am worried for Martha. I don’t think she knows how to live in such conditions – tennis and aerobic classes – how is she going to do it? Those kinds of desolate surroundings would be hard on anyone, but Martha is such a fragile woman. I just want to throw on my “Free Martha” T-shirt and parade down Main Street. But, I have to let my scones cool first.
Sarcasm aside, I do feel for Martha. It will be tough spending those five months, a good chunk of which is the holiday season, away from loved ones. And by loved ones I mean not only her family but also her pots, pans and rolling pins.
Can you imagine Martha Stewart not making a pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving or a fruit cake at Christmas?
What is she going to do with herself when those incessant urges to make cookies strike?
Hell, what will I do? I can’t be a domestic goddess without Martha. I can barely handle frozen pizza. How am I expected to make crumpets? I don’t even know what a crumpet is!
And I know I’m not the only one scared. I bet thousands of men and women rely on Martha to get them through dinner parties and wedding invitations. What about them? Did the government not think this prison sentence through? For the next five months this country is going to be a loss at dinner-time not to mention completely disorganized when it comes to stringing popcorn for the Christmas tree in a fashionable way.
Of course, we can watch reruns and buy Martha Stewart Living – really, it’s just not the same.
How can we get through the season without watching Martha almost stab someone with a potato peeler? And no more pained expressions of false happiness when guests on her show don’t do what she wants? I’m tearing up just thinking about it.
I need that angry hostile woman with such talents. I need that bitter snobbery.
But, fun is fun and done is done. Martha’s in West Virginia until March and there’s just nothing we can do about it.
We must be strong in her absence. She would want it that way.
While she’s gone, she might also like to hear from you or, hey, maybe even receive some cash.
No, I’m not kidding. You really can send Martha Stewart money in prison. It will go into her commissary account at Camp Cupcake.
If you don’t believe me, or even if you do, check out www.savemartha.com and you can see it for your own eyes. But don’t get too excited. You can’t send any packages. I know you were jonesing to send her some cookies but, alas, it’s not in the cards.
That goes for files baked in cakes, too – she probably wouldn’t touch the cake anyway.
You know without her help everything you cook looks like a burnt brick.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I fear without Martha Stewart teaching us “the ways,” we are doomed.

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