I have found some items of amusement that needed to be addressed. Hopefully, the manner in which they are addressed will put you in the spirit for finals and in a festive holiday mood as you prepare to head out for the home front.
A couple of weeks ago, an individual sold a grilled cheese sandwich on eBay that had an image of a woman on the bread. The owner claimed that the image on the bread looked like the virgin Mary.
Of course, we all know that this image had to be created either by an overly hot grill, or the cook was using one of those new-fangled virgin spatulas.
You know, the kind that you purchase on TBS for $19.95, and “if you call within the next 30 minutes we’ll send you a second virgin spatula absolutely free.” Just think what you could do with two virgin spatulas.
I guess what had me in a quandary, is the fact that no one alive today knows what the virgin Mary looked like, let alone having her image show up on a grilled cheese sandwich. I’d be more apt to believe that Elvis is working at a Burger King in Lansing, Mich.
Anyway, some sucker purchased the old grilled cheese sandwich and is now the proud owner of the world’s only grilled virgin Mary.
I failed to find out and would be curious to know if the said virgin was grilled on white, whole wheat or rye bread.
In Hobart, Ind., a woman is selling the ghost of her father to the highest bidder. She claims she is trying to help her son through the trauma of his grandfather’s recent death. Her son believes his grandfather’s ghost is still walking around the house and it seems to have him upset.
So mom figures, “if a person can sell a grilled virgin Mary cheese sandwich on eBay, then surely I can sell my father’s ghost.”
As of Saturday night, someone had bid $78 for grandpa’s ghost.
Last week some pig farmer was seen showing off a new piglet that has the number eight on his side. Perhaps this is a sign that “the big guy” is a fan of Dale Jr. When asked what he intended to do with the eight-pig, the farmer said that he thought that the eight-pig should be in a zoo.
If you ask me, it’s the farmer who needs to be in the zoo, along with the seller of grandpa’s ghost and the moron who purchased the grilled virgin Mary cheese sandwich.
While I’m on the subject of pork, let me remind everyone about the pork barrel spending, which is included in next year’s federal budget. If you think the three previously mentioned stories were bizarre, wait until you hear about some of the lame-brain pork-spending ideas our Congress has approved. And, I might add, they’ll be funding all this with our tax dollars.
I’ll share with you my picks for the three most ludicrous appropriations and then I suggest that you write some of these so-called politicians and ask them just what in the “sam hill” they’re doing.
I never knew Sam Hill, but he seems to take a lot of abuse when talking about the government. I’m not sure, but I think Sam Hill and hell are brothers.
Anyway, here is my list of the three most ludicrous items found in the 2005 federal budget, along with my comments:
1.) $250,000 for traffic calming in Windermere, Fla. How do you calm traffic? Paxil?
2.) $50,000 for wild rice research in Minnesota. I thought it might be too cold to grow rice in Minnesota, unless you believe in the Al Gore theory about global warming.
3.) $150,000 for “Check ‘Em Out” program. Check who and what out? Maybe the checking-out needs to be some watchdog group checking out the pork-barrel spending. Of course, it may be the government is really paying people to check each other out. Sounds kind of kinky if you ask me.
For a complete list of our government’s pork-barrel spending for 2005, go to www.heritage.org/Research/Budget.
Well, that about does it for 2004, and as the curtain comes down on another semester, and before I turn this computer off, a few acknowledgments are in order.
Thanks to my editor for allowing me to fire-off a few volleys of fodder each week by not applying duct tape to the keyboard.
Thanks to all the students who responded not only to my viewpoints but to each journalist who writes for the East Tennessean.
Thanks to my professors who continue to prove that you can teach an old dog new tricks.
Congratulations to the Laurendeaus who are expecting their first child next year.
And, a very special and heart-felt thanks goes out to my close friend Rebecca Hall, who has supplied me with that extra bit of confidence needed to achieve my goals. I couldn’t have done it without you. Thanks for believing in me.
No one knows what may be in store for us in 2005, so we must continue to meet whatever challenges are thrown our way. Don’t alter your course for anyone who doesn’t believe in you. Demand excellence, and above all, give and demand respect. May the god of your choice guide you home, and if you feel compelled, give someone a kiss and a hug and tell them you love them.
Wish a stranger well, and tip a glass for Auld Lang Syne.
It’s been real! Peace, brother.
From the Cannon Corner, I am Larry French.

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