Before this column gets going, I need to correct myself for last week’s column on the Terri Schiavo case.
I erroneously said that thousands of people are deprived of food and water each day under circumstances similar to Mrs. Schiavo.
While I stand by the argument I made, those numbers were a gross over-estimation on my part.
I’m also afraid that I implied those people had feeding tubes removed without a thorough examination by a doctor. That is not the case.
To all my fellow staff and readers of the East Tennessean I apologize wholeheartedly.
Anyway … everybody’s been dying lately. After another depressing week that saw the loss of both Pope John Paul II and comedian Mitch Hedberg, it’s time to move on to happier topics. Like the end of the semester.
Yes, friends, with the sun shining warm and flowers blooming bright, the birds have finally returned to twitter softly in our ears and remind us that in a few short weeks, this semester will all be over, giving way to nearly four months of fun in the sun chasing attractive members of the opposite (or same) sex in pleasantly revealing clothes.
For those of you who are about to graduate and embark on a real job and life after college, congratulations. I salute you.
Some of you, no doubt, will be traveling. Maybe a semester in Europe or a trip cross-country.
The more industrious of you will be working at internships, hoping to impress some old man in a suit with the initiative and leadership skills you demonstrate by fetching his coffee for free as you strain not to quote Office Space at inappropriate moments.
The especially lazy lumps of flesh out there will spend the hottest part of the year planted on their parents’ couches watching the Cartoon Network and eating Cheetos.
Oh, how I envy you!
The rest of you, like me, will be scrounging for a decent paying full-time job to make some much-needed cash and pay down all those credit card debts you ran up during the school year.
Hopefully you’ll get to take a road trip with your friends at some point. Oh, and find time on the weekends to sit on your parents’ couch, watch the Cartoon Network, and eat Cheetos.
But all of this is looking too far into the future.
First we will have finals: a week of all-night cram sessions fueled by bad coffee as you try to memorize that entire economics textbook you’ve been using as an $80 coaster since September.
For those of you who suddenly feel like scaling the clock tower at the CPA … cheer up! At least you can get free pancakes at Main Meal.
If you start those projects now, the end of the semester doesn’t have to be so hectic. You can avoid having to research and write 50 pages worth of term papers in one night (as I had to do once) just by spending an hour or two a day on them now.
Just think about it … while everyone else is loafing all day and cramming all night during dead week, you will be free to, well, loaf all day and cram all night during dead week.
But you will be secure in the knowledge that while everyone else is glued to their computer, frantically banging out those papers with the single-mindedness of a fiend in the depths of a meth binge, you can afford to take cigarette breaks.
Then it’s simply finding time for the presentations, the group projects and the tests that you’ll have to worry about.
Of course, you could simply follow the long, time-honored college tradition of giving up and tanking all your classes so you have more time to pursue your dream of sitting around and smoking pot. That gets really tempting at times.
But after you’ve made it this far, that would be like dropping out of the Food City 500 with two laps to go with the engine purring like a kitten (or perhaps gagging like a sick alley cat) because your butt’s numb.
Yikes … that was a bad sports analogy. And a NASCAR one, no less. Apologies again. It’s probably best I stop now.
In conclusion, the point of all this is … umm … errr … school is hard.
Yeah. School is hard … but it’s almost over. Just one more month and then it’s sun, fun and Cheetos.
Oh, and if you’ve made it this far and still have the sneaking suspicion that I was just rambling because I had nothing of substance to say this week … you’re right.
I leave you now with some words of wisdom by Mitch Hedberg.
“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

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