If the course of true love never did run smooth, it stands to reason that dating must really suck.
Anyone who’s ever done it for an extended period of time knows what I’m talking about. I don’t mean the hanging-out-and-hooking-up thing – I mean real, live dating, where someone asks you out and you go and you both pretend to enjoy rehashing your life story to a stranger who really just wants to see your underwear or run home so he can call his ex-girlfriend and they can watch “The Daily Show.”
But that’s dating. It’s hard to find a decent person to go out with, much less experience a real connection and attraction.
That’s why I laughed out loud when I ran across an advertisement seeking the perfect man in the Sept. 5 New Yorker Magazine.
“I’ll settle for perfect,” the ad reads. “If you’re the right man for me, I’m the right woman for you. Funny how that works. Find out if you have what it takes to be my perfect man.” Then it simply gives the address to a web site: perfectmanforme.com.
Huh. As a disillusioned dater myself, it is with pure respect that I say to this woman: Well, hell. I guess that’s one way to do it.
The web site, which has been up since early August, is just as straightforward as the ad posted in the New Yorker. In it, the seeker, in no uncertain terms, lays out what she’s looking for: a financially stable man, 35-55, who doesn’t wear a man-purse or fanny pack and isn’t prejudice – even while driving.
Of course, those aren’t the only qualities she’s looking for.
In all actuality, Sassy (my nickname for her, because, let’s face it, it takes a bag of sass to do what Miss Thing did,) gets pretty specific about her wants and needs.
For example, she insists her perfect man collect and appreciate art and be circumcised. Wow. She even posts a test that lets possible suitors match their qualities to the ones she desires. Scores go up to 100, and bonus points are given for being a Jewish orphan.
After filling all that out, interested applicants can send in their scores and information and Sassy will get back to them, that is if it’s “appropriate” for her to do so.
And why not? I mean, an ad in an upscale magazine and a nice web site is one way to make your preferences known. After all, on her site, Sassy says she spent 10 years on a “self-imposed dating strike” while fulfilling her professional dreams, and now she’s ready to meet the man of her dreams.
Sounds fine to me. It wouldn’t be my way, of course – me being a tad more shy than Sassy and slightly less able to find “an adventurous and worldly man who owns his own tuxedo” in Blountville, Tenn.
But I digress. The point is, Sassy’s not doing anything daters don’t already do: checking off the qualities of Mr. or Ms. Right using a mental (or real) checklist.
Miss Sass is just taking it to a whole new level: she’s ordering herself up a man just like she’s ordering breakfast at Denny’s.
So why, then, is it upsetting so many of those who have visited her site?
In checking out the blog attached to Sassy’s page, I found a lot of nasty responses from men and women alike.
One anonymous person said: “What a shallow, superficial individual this ‘little girl’ is,” while another said: “Perhaps you will feel wanted now that you have presented yourself as a contest prize.” Ouch.
But why the attack on Sass? Why do they care what Sassy is doing with her life? Are they angry she’s expressing what she wants, or do they really think she’s so superficial and silly she needs to be called on it?
Those are possible explanations, I suppose, but I suspect it’s more than that.
With her list of wants and needs, Miss Sass is going ahead and doing the rejecting, first and foremost. And that, as we all know, isn’t always easy to deal with.
No money? Bye bye. No passion for your job? Back off, buddy. Got problems with sex, drugs and metal rock ‘n’ roll? Don’t call Sassy.
By advertising for the perfect man, this accomplished woman has alienated those men who don’t fit her bill, and it’s making them mad.
I happen to think that’s just fine.
After all, this is a woman who refuses to waste time dating people she’s not interested in and is willing to invest the money (a pricey ad in a national magazine and one very professional web site) to accomplish her goal.
We could learn a few things from Sassy.
Regrettably, however, those things may not be about love so much as they are about lifestyle enhancement.
Besides, guys, look at it this way: Sassy may not want your tattoos and piercings, but there are plenty of women out there who are more than happy to love you for you – even if what “you” are is not an adventurer who travels the world in “first class style.”
So focus on those women, and just leave Sassy be.

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