Death season has started once again.
That means hunting season in case anyone was wondering. Actually, I don’t have the foggiest idea when hunting season officially begins, I just know I’ve seen more dead animal “trophy” pictures in the local paper than I care to think about. So I came to my own conclusions.
I don’t follow why the local newspaper dedicates an entire section to this abomination, but what I really don’t understand is why people still hunt in the first place. I’ve heard all the reasoning, all the excuses as to why hunting is not only fun and enjoyable, but necessary as well.
Well, I’m here to call bullshit. I’ve mentally compiled a list of all the reasons people have accosted me with to explain why hunting is a good thing. And guess what, I have a reply to them all.
First, and usually foremost is hunting is fun. Now, frankly I don’t know how fun it is, I’ve never done it. However, I’m guessing the fun part is tied in with the beer drinking and/or hanging out with friends and family while partaking in the ritual killings. I suspect the skinning, dismembering and chopping up is not part of the “fun.” This is why taxidermists get paid so much, I would wager. If the skinning and such is the fun part to you, well you have bigger issues than I can deal with in a newspaper column.
OK, hunting is fun. Or rather, drinking beer and hanging out with buddies is fun. So why not do it without the guns? Why not sit in a tree stand or cabin, bust out the Bud Light (we don’t want tummies do we?) and shoot the poop around a game of Monopoly or Scrabble? Heck, why not just walk around the woods in orange shirts and tell fart jokes? Same camaraderie – a heck of a lot less dead animals.
After fun, the skill excuse always gets thrown my way. This is a big reason to kill something innocent and beautiful? To prove you have more talent aiming a weapon than your hunting buddies? This is one of those penis envy things I bet.
I mean, I’m not going to deny that it takes a great deal of skill to pour deer (or whatever animal you’re hunting) urine out of a bottle from Wal-Mart, sit in a tree, aim a gun with a high-power scope on it and pull (not squeeze) a trigger. I mean, that takes some hardcore talent.
What I just wrote took skill too; sarcastic talent of which the world has never seen. Yes, I’m full of crap, just like anyone who hunts like that.
Now for the few folks out there who do it old-school, and actually stalk the animal and don’t use guns, I’ll give you credit, and another retort.
Killing is not the part that takes skill. Blending in, stalking, being silent, aiming and hitting the exact mark for a clean kill – those are the “skills” I hear about when I hear about hunters being talented.
Well, fine, but you can be all those things and not a killer. Take a camera into the woods instead of a gun or bow. Shoot a picture of a buck or doe, heck aim for the body part which would guarantee death if it was a bullet rather than film, to prove your talents. You get a beautiful picture to hang above the mantle (which won’t stink or freak out small children) and you get to know that you are not a jerk for killing Bambi.
Now I’ll get on with the biggies – the reasons that I get less often, but seem to cause the biggest temper flares (from me and the hunter) when they are brought up.
Hunting animals is OK because it’s necessary to ensure species do not overpopulate and take over the world. I hear this so often, but I can’t grasp why anyone falls for it. We should kill animals before they rise up and destroy us? Before they eat all our food and destroy our cities Godzilla-style? Before they have the chance to rape our women and kidnap our children?
This has to be either then reasoning of a 5-year-old child or an idiot. Either way, it’s ludicrous. Animals don’t want to destroy our towns and societies any more than they do one another. A deer doesn’t care what we do, as long as we don’t come after it, just like it doesn’t care what a bear does as long as it doesn’t eat them. Have you ever seen a herd of deer lead an attack against a sloth of bears? No, and you won’t either. Most animals simply don’t live in the offensive.
Or maybe it’s out of concern for them that we kill them. Shoot the deer so other deer can have the food and live until we shoot them next year. Kill off the weak so they don’t suffer and starve to death.
Well, you know this does sound like a compassionate rationale, except one minor issue. Hunters don’t kill the weak or starving. They kill the strong and healthy. A sickly, old deer doesn’t look as manly mounted on a wall as a huge buck with a massive rack of antlers. Hunters don’t do it for the animals, they do it for themselves.
Before man wandered this planet, animals seem to do just fine. Darwin wasn’t an idiot, folks. That whole “survival of the fittest” thing actually has roots. While disease and starvation are sad, they, unlike guns, are a natural way to control populations.
Overpopulation isn’t really an issue anyway. Whenever there is an issue, nature will resolve it. Or if humans must step in, there are other non-lethal ways of lowering the population. Catching, sterilizing and releasing a number of females will cut the population, or controlled breeding done in an area by conservation teams.
They may take some time and effort, but it completely destroys the hunting is needed to control the population excuse. I mean, there are too many humans running around, but we’re not shooting and stuffing the overly fertile are we? And if this practice does come to fruition, would someone hit Kevin Federline first please?
And while we’re “controlling the population” via hunting, maybe we should stop killing off natural predators (like foxes, wolves and bears) so they can do their job. Because trapping and killing natural predators in order to have more “game” for next year are not particularly logical ways of dealing with the situation.
And last but certainly not least, animals are lesser beings so we should be able to shoot them if we want.
To begin, let’s get one thing straight: humans are animals so humans can’t be better than animals. I think some biology teachers forgot that lesson a while back.
Animals are sentient. They feel pain, they feel love, they feel sadness, they feel pleasure; they are conscious of their surroundings. This goes for all animals, but when it comes to “game” I think it’s all the more relevant. Animals avoid predators; this inherently means they are capable of understanding fear and presumably pain and impending death.
If you didn’t know something could cause you harm, why else would you avoid it? Deer and other hunted animals do not wander into the path of a gun because they are too stupid to know better, they do it because they are tricked into doing so. Either they are attracted to another animals’ smell (bottled urine) or the natural predator’s smell is masked or distant (tree stands, long range weapons).
Being tricked into a dire situation does not make a creature inferior to humans, seeing as humans would do the exact same thing if put in a similar situation.
Anyone remember “To Serve Man” an original Twilight Zone episode about this very thing?
Yes, that’s television, but frankly, do you doubt the possibility of humans falling for such a scheme? Does that mean we’re inferior to aliens? No, it means we’re fallible, just like every other specie on this planet.
Humans in general may command the highest intellect (unless you subscribe to the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy philosophy) but that doesn’t mean we should act like everything else on Earth is at our disposal.
We weren’t here first and we sure as hell won’t be here last. It would do humanity some good to realize that.
So there they are; my responses to hunting as a sport (which by the way, it’s not). If you have issue with them (as in you still think hunting is OK), congratulations, I bet you’ll never be my friend. This is not a big deal to you I’m sure, but at least you read the column.
For anyone else, and OK, the hunters too, feel free to let me know what you think via e-mail at mohawktown@hotmail.com or etnews@etsu.edu.
And for anyone who cares about animals, stop by the next Student Organization for Animal Rights meeting and say “hi” and pick up a cute sticker. Flyers should be posted soon so keep an eye out.
SOAR will be having a bake sale on Nov. 9 from 11 a.m.-4:30 p.m. in the Culp Center. Proceeds will go to the Johnson City/Washington County Animal Shelter, so stop by and buy some sweets and help a good cause.

Author